“True love emerges from understanding.” ~Buddha
I hold the belief that one of our deepest desires in life is to feel comprehended.
We seek assurance that others notice our good intentions and not only grasp our perspective but truly understand us.
We want to know they acknowledge us. They perceive the thoughts, emotions, and challenges that underpin our choices, and they not only empathize but perhaps even connect. And perhaps they would act similarly if they were in our situation.
Maybe if they had experienced what we’ve faced and seen what we’ve witnessed, they would find themselves exactly where we are, in the same conditions, holding the same beliefs, making the same decisions.
At the root of all these maybes lies the need to feel affirmed.
As social beings, we flourish when we hold a sense of belonging. This necessitates a feeling of safety, which depends on being valued and accepted. However, those feelings often elude us.
There was a point when one of my relationships felt profoundly unsafe. I never felt understood or validated, and even worse, I often sensed that the other person had no interest in understanding me.
When you’re the one withholding the solace of understanding, it can give you a sense of power. It also fosters a sense of division, which, for some, seems safer than intimacy.
This individual frequently presumed the worst of me—that I was selfish and frail—and viewed my actions through this distorted lens.
They would trivialize my beliefs and viewpoints, as if they deserved neither regard nor respect.
And they would even mock me when I attempted to share my thoughts and feelings, minimizing not only my perspective but also my very being. Like I held no worth. Like my voice wasn’t worthy of being heard. Like I didn’t merit respect.
It stings.
It stings to feel as though someone is indifferent to your perspective or unwilling to listen to what you have to say.
It stings to feel like someone is more devoted to misunderstanding you than finding any common ground.
It stings to feel unrecognized.
We often channel that hurt into anger. Or at least, that’s what I did.
I fought. I shouted. I wept. I tried to compel them to recognize my intrinsic goodness and to see the world through my lens.
I attempted to impose my desires upon them—the desire to be recognized and heard—regardless of whether they were inclined or able to extend those courtesies. And I inflicted a lot of pain upon myself while justifying this turmoil with a self-righteous indignation.
Because people ought to strive for understanding. People ought to treat one another with respect. People ought to be kind, loving, and open. For that would cultivate a sense of safety in the world.
But here’s the lesson I’ve learned: Ought is perpetually a pitfall. Things will never align perfectly with our expectations, and resisting this reality only results in discomfort.
More significantly, there’s something far more empowering than trying to coerce others into being who we think they should be—and that’s embodying that person ourselves.
In this instance, I recognized that it meant seeking to understand the individual who wouldn’t or perhaps couldn’t comprehend me.
Recall what I mentioned about separation appearing safer for some than attachment?
This was actually a significant epiphany for me. That perhaps when someone seems reluctant to envelop me with comprehension, it’s more about their inability to let me in, for reasons I may never understand.
I genuinely delved deep to comprehend what might make someone—and specifically, this person—resistant to understanding. What anguish could have calloused their heart so intensely? As is often the case when you inquire deeply, I unearthed much that shed light on it.
I discovered unresolved traumas likely cultivating profound shame and vulnerability—leading to a need to exude strength at all times. Unyielding. And when one’s defenses are up, nothing much can penetrate. Not fresh ideas, and definitely not efforts at meaningful connection. Which is truly heartbreaking when considered.
Sure, it stings to sense that someone doesn’t comprehend you. But can you envision the heartache of seldom understanding anyone because permitting someone into your heart is itself painful? Can you imagine navigating life so guarded, so afraid, endlessly concealing—and perhaps without even realizing it?
I have come to believe that when someone refuses to exert any effort to grasp our perspective, this typically boils down to: profound anguish that’s preventing them from love.
They might be closed off to everyone. Or to certain concepts that trigger something from their history. Or perhaps we, ourselves, are the trigger.
Maybe we remind them of something they wish to forget. Perhaps our mere presence forces them to confront something they’re inclined to sidestep.
I recall reading an article once that illustrated the fraught relationship many women experience with their mothers-in-law. The writer referenced a mother-in-law who constantly criticized her daughter-in-law’s couch, concluding with, “You never know. She may have faced trauma on a couch that resembled yours.”
This struck me profoundly. The idea that each person carries hidden sorrows, cloaked in shame, that frequently manifest in hurtful actions.
I acknowledge that I have been there. While I’m not proud to confess it, I’ve chosen to shut people out or quash them because they’ve tapped into something painful within me. Recognizing this allows me to understand how pain can elicit our worst behaviors.
Considering this does not excuse any form of disrespect or maltreatment. It does not pardon abuse. Yet, if we genuinely desire comprehension, maybe the secret is to opt for understanding.
Perhaps the secret lies in expanding our viewpoint beyond what would provide us immediate comfort so that we can contribute to fostering a greater sense of safety for everyone we meet.
Maybe by electing to extend understanding, we can inspire those around us to mend their wounds so they can, when ready, slightly widen their hearts. When they feel secure.
So what’s the most constructive thing to communicate to someone who doesn’t grasp your perspective? I believe it’s, “I recognize that you’re unable to understand.”
I think it’s about accepting the other person at their current state, even if you lack an understanding of their background or what motivates them.
For even if we are unaware of the particulars, we can recognize there’s some rationale—some intricate web of past experiences and psychological influences that shape them.
This isn’t simple to accomplish.
It often necessitates setting boundaries, whether that means sidestepping certain topics or even establishing physical distance in that connection.
It requires us to reflect and align with our truest intentions prior to reacting reflexively, defensively, in anger.
And it also requires mourning and releasing the relationship we envisioned, aware that we are offering compassion and consideration to someone who may never reciprocate.
I find solace in knowing this is the path of greater courage, not because I feel elevated on higher ground, but because it’s less painful there—for me and for every person I encounter in my journey.
When I decide to embody the change I wish to witness, it becomes less vital for me that everyone else perceives me, values me, comprehends me, and recognizes my good intentions—because I do. Because I know that I am coming from a place of love, kindness, and integrity.
And this constitutes a robust foundation for navigating a world full of pained individuals who may not yet be ready or able to love.
**If this resonated with you, I encourage you to explore my new Founder Friday: Letters from Lori newsletter for stories and insights from me that aren’t available on the blog. If you’d like to try it, your first month is free here. Your subscription also assists in supporting Tiny Buddha and maintaining the site.
**Communication Strategies to Engage Those Who Struggle to Understand You**
Effective communication is crucial across all areas of life, whether in personal relationships, workplace environments, or educational contexts. However, there are times when individuals may have difficulty grasping the conveyed message. This may stem from various reasons, including language differences, cognitive variations, or emotional conditions. Here are several approaches to improve communication effectiveness with those who find understanding challenging.
### 1. Simplify Your Language
Utilizing clear and straightforward language is vital when engaging with individuals who might find complex vocabulary or jargon hard to comprehend. Avoid idioms, colloquialisms, or technical language that may not be familiar to them. Instead, choose uncomplicated language and concise sentences to express your message more clearly.
### 2. Use Visual Aids
Visual aids can greatly enhance comprehension. Incorporate diagrams, charts, images, or videos to support your spoken communication. Visual elements can aid in elucidating concepts and providing context, making it easier for individuals to absorb the information being shared.
### 3. Be Patient and Listen Actively
Patience is essential when interacting with someone who has trouble understanding. Provide them the necessary time to absorb the information and respond. Active listening entails giving your full focus, nodding, and providing verbal affirmations to demonstrate your engagement. This encourages them to share their thoughts and inquiries, nurturing a more fruitful dialogue.
### 4. Check for Understanding
To confirm that your message has been comprehended, pose open-ended questions that require more than a yes or no answer. This prompts the other person to articulate their understanding of what you’ve communicated. Phrases like “Can you share what you understood from that?” can effectively assess their comprehension.
### 5. Use Repetition and Rephrasing
Repetition can strengthen understanding. If a concept is intricate, attempt explaining it in various ways. Rephrasing your statements can assist in clarifying your message. This technique allows individuals to receive the information from different perspectives, increasing the probability of comprehension.
### 6. Create a Comfortable Environment
A supportive and non-threatening setting can improve communication. Ensure that the environment is conducive to dialogue, free from interruptions, and that the individual feels secure sharing their challenges. A relaxed atmosphere can alleviate anxiety and facilitate enhanced understanding.
### 7. Encourage Questions
Promoting questions is essential for encouraging understanding. Clearly communicate to the individual that it’s acceptable to seek clarification or additional explanation. This not only enables them to engage more actively in the discussion but also provides you an opportunity to address specific areas of confusion.
### 8. Tailor Your Approach
Acknowledge that each individual is distinct, and their difficulties with comprehension may differ. Adapt your communication style to cater to their particular needs. For example, some may respond better to more visual aids, while others may need additional verbal explanations. Being flexible can result in more effective communication.
### 9. Utilize Technology
In our contemporary digital landscape, technology can serve as a valuable asset in enhancing communication. Employ applications or software that facilitate understanding, such as translation tools for language barriers or speech-to-text programs for individuals with hearing challenges. These tools can help bridge communication gaps.
### 10. Follow Up
After a conversation, following up reinforces the information discussed. This could involve a summary email, a text message, or a brief conversation. Following up demonstrates that you care about their understanding while providing a chance to clarify any remaining questions.
### Conclusion
Engaging with those who struggle to understand necessitates patience, empathy, and flexibility. By utilizing these communication strategies, you can cultivate a more inclusive environment where everyone feels appreciated and comprehended. Remember that the objective of communication is not merely to convey information but to ensure that it is received and understood.