“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” ~William Bruce Cameron
I became aware of it midway through our discussion.
We were seated outside a café on a warm Saturday, close enough to another table that I could hear someone laughing behind me. The individual across from me was sharing a story about getting lost on a trail, confident they could navigate without a map, and they were chuckling at their own misfortune as they recounted it. I laughed at the right moments.
Then my focus shifted. Sense of humor, strong. Conversation, effortless. Common interests, moderate. Long-term potential, likely above average.
It happened so seamlessly that I almost overlooked it. Someone was revealing themselves to me, and I had ceased listening and started evaluating, attributing values to elements that never stay constant long enough to be measured.
I was fond of this person. That was the takeaway for me afterward. I liked them, yet I was assessing them regardless.
By that point, I had invested fourteen months attempting to optimize something that had never requested optimization.
My Path to This Point
The reasoning had appeared logical at every stage, as it often does in these scenarios.
Dating had been challenging, and my instinct when something wasn’t functioning was to deconstruct it and discover the cause. Every dull night became a data point. Every fading conversation felt like evidence that a more effective method existed somewhere, which I had yet to uncover.
That instinct had proven helpful in other areas. I appreciate patterns and understanding why things happen, so when a challenge arises, I delve into finding the variable that explains it. I didn’t believe dating should be an exception.
Around that time, I began testing dating applications for professional purposes, which led me to encounter more platforms and matching systems in one month than most people do in a lifetime. I transitioned from being a user of dating apps to a student of them.
The more I discovered, the more convinced I became that enhanced analysis led to improved decisions. I examined research on attraction. I compared matching algorithms and noted which opening messages received responses.
None of this was harmful by itself. The issue arose when I began applying it to individuals rather than just the apps, and I failed to notice when this shift occurred.
It felt productive right up until it made forming connections nearly impossible.
The Framework I Created
There was never a spreadsheet, but it might as well have existed.
I had a guideline regarding second dates. They needed to occur within nine days, or I assumed the interest was insincere. Nine. Not a week, not ten days, just nine.
I monitored response speed without intending to. I recognized which discussions involved more inquiries than replies and whether someone’s humor came naturally or seemed fabricated. After a date, I would replay minor moments seeking signals rather than reflecting on how the evening felt.
At times, I would walk home from a genuinely enjoyable night unable to answer the sole question that counted, which was whether I had had a good time. Instead, I would respond to another inquiry. Would this succeed in the long run, based on all the information available to me now?
That question has no answer. People are not completed entities waiting for evaluation, yet I continued to act as if acquiring sufficient information would eventually eliminate the uncertainty.
Work only reinforced this mindset. Compatibility scores, personality assessments, response rates, theory after theory on predicting lasting relationships.
The more I gathered, the less I was truly present. I was observing conversations from somewhere just outside them, quietly collecting evidence about a future that had not yet transpired.
The Consequences
The evening I still reflect on was not particularly dramatic. There were no arguments, and nobody left feeling hurt.
I had met Tom a few times by that point. He repaired pianos and had never once inquired what I did for a living.
On paper, we seemed mismatched. Different jobs, different weekends, hardly any of the shared interests I had convinced myself were essential, and had I compared our profiles first, I likely wouldn’t have pursued it.
Every conversation flowed smoothly, nonetheless.
For the first hour that night, I completely forgot the rules. We discussed his mother’s tendency to narrate films aloud, and I laughed more than I had in months.
Then the evaluation began again, as it always did. Perhaps our future goals were misaligned. Maybe we were too different. Maybe there was someone more compatible if I continued searching.
I could sense my focus drifting away from the table. He mentioned something about his sister’s wedding and the wrong suit arriving, and my mind wandered, calculating whether any of this made sense.
The evening concluded reasonably well. A few days later, I ceased replying.
Nothing had been wrong. My criteria simply could not tell me it was right, and I had conflated the two.
I have forgotten nearly everyone else I rejected in those months. I have not forgotten that evening, not because I think we would have lasted. It was the first occasion I recognized that I had walked away from something genuine in pursuit of certainty.
That certainty never materialized. Every new match merely provided another element to assess.
The Shift
It altered due to one question.
I was recounting to Dan about yet another date I had spent analyzing instead of enjoying, outlining my reasoning as I always did. Not the best long-term match. Too many variables. Better to wait for someone who ticked more boxes.
He allowed me to finish. Then he inquired whether I had genuinely enjoyed being with them.
I started to respond with another list.
“No,” he said. “That’s not what I asked.”
I couldn’t respond for a moment. I had been so focused on forecasting what would happen that I had lost the capability to notice what was occurring.
That question has lingered with me longer than any compatibility score. It didn’t change my behaviors instantly. It provided a reason to question the voice insisting that everything required more analysis before it could be deemed trustworthy.
What I’ve Come to Understand
Optimization works effectively on issues that remain constant. A recipe does not alter while you prepare it.
People are not that way. The person across the table this year is different from last, just like you are, and they are not merely the sum of their hobbies and responses to profile prompts. You discover who someone is gradually, through ordinary time spent together.
Connection occurs precisely in the areas where certainty is unavailable.
I do not regret learning how any of this functions. What I regret is believing that sufficient information could remove the vulnerability, because that is the one aspect that information cannot achieve.
The habit extended beyond dating, which was the part I did not anticipate. I’ve caught myself applying the same process to friendships and decisions about work.
When something feels uncertain, it’s tempting to think that another round of contemplation will resolve it. Sometimes it does. Often, it merely delays the living aspect.
There’s a distinction between paying attention to someone and keeping score of them. One of those brings you closer.
What Worked
Recognize when you are judging instead of listening.
This became the first thing I monitored. When I caught myself ranking someone or predicting how things would unfold, I redirected my attention back to what they were genuinely saying. The goal wasn’t to cease thinking, only to be present enough to hear the actual sentence rather than the one I was already interpreting.
Opt for curiosity over certainty.
I stopped anticipating to know where something was headed after two meetings. Instead of questioning whether a person suited the future I had envisioned, I asked whether I wanted to learn more about them. This allowed room for people to surprise me, which no checklist has ever done.
Avoid keeping score of anything you could not voice out loud.
This turned out to be the most beneficial rule I have. If I was silently holding something against someone that I couldn’t imagine discussing kindly, I deemed my own judgment suspect. Relationships are not built from private evaluations.
None of this made dating simpler immediately. It made it more humane, and once I stopped trying to dictate how each evening would unfold, I began to enjoy them again.
The old habit still re-emerges. The difference now is that I notice it, usually before it pulls the conversation with it.
I reflect on that café occasionally.
Most details have faded. I couldn’t tell you what we ordered or how long we lingered. What I remember is realizing I was transforming a person into a set of observations instead of being present with them.
The impulse hasn’t vanished. Every now and then, I sense my mind reaching for patterns that promise to shield me from disappointment, and when it does, I revert to the question Dan posed to me.
Did you actually enjoy being with them?
Most of the time, that suffices.
**Optimizing for Love: My Expedition to Finding a Partnership**
In a realm where dating applications and social media prevail in the domain of romance, the pursuit of love can often feel daunting. My adventure to finding a meaningful relationship involved more than just swiping right or left; it encompassed refining my methodology for love and connection. Here’s how I navigated this complex journey.
**Self-Understanding**
The initial phase of my journey revolved around self-examination. I dedicated time to comprehend my values, interests, and what I genuinely sought in a partner. This required journaling my reflections, delving into my passions, and pinpointing the traits I appreciated in others. By achieving clarity regarding my identity, I became more equipped to identify compatibility when I encountered it.
**Establishing Intentions**
With a clearer self-awareness, I set explicit intentions regarding my dating life. Instead of casually engaging without aim, I aspired to find a relationship aligned with my objectives and aspirations. This meant being truthful with myself and potential partners about my wish for a committed relationship.
**Broadening My Social Networks**
To enhance my chances of meeting someone significant, I expanded my social circles. I joined clubs, attended events, and took part in activities that resonated with my interests. This not only amplified my opportunities to meet new individuals but also allowed me to connect with those who shared similar passions.
**Adopting Technology**
Acknowledging the role of technology in contemporary dating, I cautiously entered the realm of dating applications. I approached these platforms with an open mind, crafting a profile that authentically represented me. I focused on quality over quantity, engaging in meaningful dialogues instead of shallow exchanges.
**Embracing Vulnerability**
One of the most crucial lessons I gleaned was the significance of vulnerability. Sharing my feelings, fears, and desires was vital in forging deeper connections. I recognized that vulnerability not only cultivated intimacy but also encouraged my partners to unveil their true selves.
**Handling Rejection**
Rejection is a natural component of the dating process. Rather than perceiving it as a personal failure, I learned to regard it as a stepping stone toward discovering the right match. Each experience imparted valuable lessons about resilience and self-worth, strengthening my belief that the right relationship would eventually manifest.
**Effective Communication**
As I advanced in my dating journey, I made effective communication a priority. I practiced active listening and articulated my thoughts and emotions openly. This not only aided in resolving conflicts but also fortified the bond with my partner. Clear communication became the cornerstone of trust and understanding in my relationships.
**Practicing Patience**
Finding love is often a marathon, not a sprint. I learned to exercise patience and trust the journey. Rather than rushing into relationships, I permitted connections to evolve organically. This patience helped me avoid settling for less than I deserved and kept me focused on discovering a genuine partnership.
**Celebrating Minor Achievements**
Throughout my journey, I made it a point to recognize small victories. Whether it was a meaningful conversation, an enjoyable date, or simply the courage to put myself out there, celebrating these moments uplifted my spirits and motivated me to persist in my pursuit of love.
**Final Thoughts**
Optimizing for love was a transformative voyage that enlightened me about self-discovery, resilience, and the importance of meaningful relationships. By understanding myself, clarifying intentions, and embracing vulnerability, I navigated the intricacies of dating with poise. Ultimately, my journey reaffirmed the notion that love is not solely about finding the right person, but also about becoming the right person for a lasting partnership.
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