The Effect of Genuineness on Self-Affection: Insights Gained

“At times, the most difficult struggle isn’t about receiving acceptance from God or others; it’s about accepting ourselves.” ~Leigh Finke, Queerfully and Wonderfully Made

As a child of a pastor, I had to conceal my true self. I learned that parental love came with strings attached. I was taught that errors were met with rigid discipline and unkind words. I was made to feel that I needed to continuously prove I was worthy of love.

As I matured and gained a better understanding of the world and my own identity, I faced the need to reconcile my sexuality and gender. Those aspects of myself also had to be hidden. I was frequently told that these parts of me were worldly and sinful. However much I prayed or attempted to change, my identity continued to emerge.

There were moments when I wished I didn’t have this identity. I longed to fit the mold of the ideal “Christian Girl.”

But that’s not how it unfolds.

Ultimately, I didn’t have to side with one identity over the other. Those identities were not mutually exclusive, regardless of what many believed. 

What shifted for me was the opportunity to truly be myself.

I was rejected by my parents, who declared they would never honor my chosen names, pronouns, or identity. Thus, I left home.

I attended college, absorbed knowledge from my courses, joined communities that resonated with who I was, formed new friendships, and surrounded myself with individuals who appreciated me for who I genuinely am.

I sought therapy. Gradually, I began to embrace my authentic self. I was provided with the space and time to reflect on all aspects of my being. I permitted myself to be genuine. And it was challenging.

Yet, I discovered my niche in the world. I pursued social work, earning both my bachelor’s and master’s degrees. I understood I wanted to assist others in the way I desperately needed help.

To be true to myself, I had to oppose everything I had been taught.

Initially, I found it difficult to be true and authentic because it meant not adhering to how I was expected to behave. I was burdened with numerous notions of how I should act, appear, communicate, and exist. I was meant to maintain my long natural hair. I should avoid tattoos or piercings. I was expected to constantly evangelize about Jesus. I was to remain quiet, submissive, and never initiate conversation.

But now, there were no authority figures to report to. Nobody checked on me. No one monitored my actions, words, or transformations.

Thus, I began to enact changes slowly. I stopped attending events out of mere obligation. I selected friends I genuinely enjoyed spending time with. I donned different clothing and trimmed my hair. I started dating whom I chose.

“But what if…” was always looping in my mind.

Or “I don’t want to overwhelm anyone…”

And then, “This feels too unconventional…”

However, I was also hearing contrasting sentiments from individuals I had come to care for, support, and love. They encouraged me with phrases like, “Go for it!” and “Why not?” because I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

 What made a difference was that I wasn’t binding myself to someone else’s expectations.

“You appear happier.”

I embraced my core identity, what I aspired to be, and how I wished to act.

I wasn’t experiencing happiness solely due to embracing my queer identity and being myself outwardly. While that contributed, of course, my happiness stemmed from no longer restraining myself. I no longer wore a mask to fulfill others’ desires.

But the journey to self-love came later.

Self-love is nurtured from within. Even though I was taking every step to be authentic, it wasn’t inherently second nature to me yet.

We learn about love from the individuals who raise us, whether they are parents, siblings, grandparents, caregivers, or anyone else. Our previous relationships serve as frameworks for understanding love and inform us about the type of love we “deserve.”

I learned that “love” is uniquely defined. It must be relentlessly battled for. It can vanish in an instant. And it is ever-watchful for the moment we falter.

I remained under my parents’ definition of love, even when I was alone. I hadn’t learned to cherish the “unusual” and “distinct” parts of myself. I had to cultivate acceptance for them until it felt ingrained.

But I had my support networks. I had my community. I had my therapy sessions. I had my loved ones.

They consistently showed up, demonstrating what true love is. They introduced me to various forms of love, illustrating that love can be truly unconditional. Love is patient, compassionate, supportive, and liberating.

I didn’t need to earn their love.

Rethinking love is a process.

Now, years later, I have redefined and relearned what love can signify. I do everything within my power to not only accept that love but to reciprocate it as well.

The mantra I currently uphold is “to foster community, you must be community.” As a therapist, I assist individuals and couples in exploring within themselves for answers. In my personal life, I reach out to friends, send letters, and maintain contact with family. I strive to exceed expectations in being present for others, just as they are for me.

If you seek self-love, first examine your true self. What resonates? What doesn’t? What aspects are easy to embrace? What parts do you shy away from?

Ask yourself, am I being there for myself or for others? Am I embodying who I want to be, or am I trying to conform to someone else’s image? What would it mean if I sincerely allowed myself to be who I aspire to be?

We all hold notions of who we are, who we might become, and who we fundamentally are. The crucial part is genuinely accepting it. Acceptance can lead to authenticity, which can evolve into love.

You’re an evolving individual, and there’s always so much to discover, accept, and love.

You are worthy of love.

You are worthy of authenticity.

You are worthy of acceptance.

**The Significance of Authenticity in Cultivating Self-Love: Insights Gained**

Authenticity is a compelling notion that has drawn considerable focus in recent years, especially within psychology, personal growth, and social dynamics. At its essence, authenticity means being true to oneself, acknowledging one’s values, beliefs, and emotions, and expressing them with honesty. The connection between authenticity and self-love is deep, as embracing one’s true self can foster increased self-acceptance and a more profound sense of value.

**Defining Authenticity**

Authenticity necessitates a dedication to self-awareness and transparency. It compels individuals to contemplate their thoughts, feelings, and actions, aligning them with their genuine selves rather than adhering to outside expectations or societal pressures. This alignment nurtures a sense of integrity and coherence, which is vital for personal development and emotional health.

**The Link Between Authenticity and Self-Love**

1. **Self-Embrace**: Authenticity prompts individuals to acknowledge themselves as they are, including their shortcomings. This acknowledgment forms the foundation of self-love, allowing individuals to value their distinct traits without the burden of complying with unrealistic ideals.

2. **Diminished Anxiety and Stress**: Living true to oneself can drastically lessen the anxiety and stress tied to pretending to be someone else. When individuals accept their true identity, they experience a liberating sense of freedom that enhances their overall mental health.

3. **Strengthened Relationships**: Authenticity nurtures sincere connections with others. When individuals are genuine, they attract relationships grounded in mutual respect and understanding. These authentic bonds can amplify self-love, as individuals feel appreciated for their true selves.

4. **Empowerment**: Embracing authenticity empowers individuals to make decisions aligned with their values and desires. This empowerment boosts self-esteem and confidence, which fosters a healthier sense of self-love.

5. **Resilience**: Those who embody authenticity often display greater resilience when faced with obstacles. By remaining true to themselves, they navigate challenges with purpose and clarity, reinforcing their self-worth and love.

**Insights Gained from Accepting Authenticity**

1. **The Journey is Individual**: Authenticity is not a final destination but an ongoing journey. Every individual’s path to authenticity is distinct, influenced by personal experiences, convictions, and principles. Embracing this journey promotes self-discovery and evolution.

2. **Vulnerability is a Strength**: Authenticity typically demands vulnerability, which can be intimidating. However, embracing vulnerability is a powerful trait that fosters deeper connections and a richer sense of self-love.

3. **Releasing Perfectionism**: The quest for authenticity involves shedding the pursuit of perfection. Recognizing that imperfection is a fundamental aspect of being human can enhance self-compassion and love.

4. **Nurturing Mindfulness**: Engaging in mindfulness practices can bolster authenticity by encouraging individuals to remain present and attuned to their thoughts and feelings. This awareness is essential for self-understanding and cultivating self-love.

5. **Creating a Supportive Environment**: Developing a nurturing environment is crucial for sustaining authenticity. Surrounding oneself with those who uplift and celebrate authenticity can significantly boost self-love.

**Conclusion**

The influence of authenticity on self-love is profound and complex. By embracing their true selves, individuals can nurture a deeper sense of self-acceptance, alleviate anxiety, cultivate genuine relationships, and empower themselves to live authentically. The lessons learned from this journey emphasize the significance of vulnerability, mindfulness, and support in nurturing both authenticity and self-love. Ultimately, the journey to self-love is enriched by the pledge to live authentically, leading to a more enriching and meaningful existence.