Upholding Kindness While Steering Clear of Harmful Conduct

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“The strongest individuals are those who remain kind even when the world has torn them apart.” ~Raven Emotion

Months back, I ended my friendship with my closest childhood friend, who I had always viewed as a brother.

It was a hard choice, but I needed to take it.

Over the last five years, my friend (let’s refer to him as Andy) had grown increasingly rude and dismissive of my feelings.

Not a single week passed without him criticizing my optimism and for not giving up despite being deemed a “failure.”

Yet, I tried to be forgiving. I genuinely did.

I understood he was often stressed about graduating from college two years later than his peers.

And I was aware he felt insecure about not measuring up to the wealth and success of “everyone else.”

But there’s only so much one can endure, and after so many years, I just couldn’t take it any longer.

It’s challenging to consistently bring warmth and patience when the other person not only fails to appreciate you but also criticizes you for being “naive in face of reality.”

(Yes, he had somehow sold himself on the idea that I was in denial about my lack of accomplishments—like the only proper response to failure was to be angry and frustrated.)

If you’ve always strived to be compassionate and gentle, you might have found yourself in a similar scenario and pondered at least once, “Why even try?”

Because despite not seeking recognition or rewards, a complete absence of appreciation can become difficult to digest over time, and a simple “thank you” may come to mean more than we’d like to admit.

I’ll confess that, due to Andy, I nearly abandoned my kindness multiple times.

Fortunately, I didn’t, and in the months leading to my tough decision, I learned vital lessons on how to maintain kindness even when it seems pointless.

I hope these insights assist you in remaining true to yourself as well.

1. Ensure kindness isn’t a bargaining chip.

Just as positivity can turn toxic, there is such a thing as a damaging approach to expressing kindness.

Here’s what I mean.

During my teenage years, I was what some might label a “nice guy.”

You know the type who takes pride in being nice but really isn’t.

In classic “nice guy” style, I treated kindness like a transaction. (”I’m doing all these nice things for them, so they ought to reciprocate,” was a common thought running through my mind.)

I would show kindness and generosity to others, but I would be constantly comparing what they did for me against what I had provided for them.

So, if they didn’t return the favor in a way that satisfied me, I would quietly start resenting them.

It’s not a proud chapter in my life, but it illustrates how even something as positive as kindness can be weaponized.

And it’s not only “nice guys” who fall into this trap.

Many parents make the same error: they attempt to guilt their children into exhibiting gratitude or obedience by reminding them of all the sacrifices made for them.

Naturally, this only serves to make the children feel guilty and even suspicious, as they may start to question whether their parents’ sacrifices stemmed from love or self-interest.

When kindness is offered conditionally, it ceases to be about help—it becomes concerned with fulfilling one’s own desperate need for validation.

Needless to say, this is unhealthy for everyone involved.

That’s why it’s best to…

2. See kindness as a reflection of your identity.

It’s easy to overlook—especially when kindness goes unappreciated for too long—that it should fundamentally be a representation of yourself.

You are kind because it’s intrinsic to your character, not for the sake of earning approval from others.

Reflecting on my friendship with Andy, I’m certainly not pleased with all the moments he undermined my self-esteem, ignored my feelings, and inflicted damage on our relationship without a second thought. However, I can at least take pride in the fact that I didn’t allow that to shatter me and instead remained resilient.

Because ultimately, that’s what this is about.

Being kind, even when unacknowledged, is an act of self-respect.

It’s not about seeking recognition.

It’s about being true to yourself, regardless of how ungrateful others may be.

3. Remember that you’re permitted to retract your kindness.

This is a perpetual struggle for kind individuals.

We worry that if we stop going out of our way for someone, it may imply we’re not good people anymore.

This is precisely why it took me many years to finally end my close friendship with Andy: I was terrified of being labeled unkind.

I didn’t want that, so I continued being as generous as I could, despite the consistent pain he caused me.

For years, I kept cooking, cleaning, vacuuming, mopping, and handling various chores that should have been shared equally between roommates.

I aimed to provide him with as much time and space to concentrate on his studies (even though I was in the same situation and had my studying to attend to).

I averted my eyes from the reality that he had no intention of treating me better.

In fact, years back, he had already made it evident that he didn’t believe I deserved recognition for all the things I did.

Still, I allowed him to disrespect me and wound me while I kept being kind. Because kindness shouldn’t be conditional, right? It should simply be a reflection of who you are, right?

But here’s what I’ve come to grasp: just because you shouldn’t anticipate fair treatment in exchange for your kindness doesn’t mean you should tolerate being treated poorly.

There’s a threshold for how much ingratitude you can endure before it starts consuming you internally.

You have every right to pause or withdraw your kindness when subjected to mistreatment. This is about establishing healthy boundaries. You’re not being selfish or arrogant.

I can hardly fathom how long it took me to realize that unconditional doesn’t imply boundaryless.

Boundless kindness isn’t kindness; it’s self-neglect.

It’s not commendable to completely disregard your own needs just to be as generous as possible to someone else.

Be kind because it’s who you are, but don’t allow yourself to be taken for granted.

4. Don’t let negative individuals deter you from kindness.

We all know people who refuse to be content with their own misery, so they try to spread that negativity to others.

When they keep berating you for being a “goody two-shoes” solely for having a positive outlook, it’s challenging to remain unaffected.

You might even begin to question whether you should continue being a positive person.

But let me assure you: allowing negative people to dictate what type of person you should be and the life you should live is NEVER advisable.

Because, once again, some individuals seek to tear others down.

You could entirely change who you are and become just like them, and they would still find faults and criticize you.

Why? Because their actions stem from their own unresolved issues.

It’s not about you being “too nice” or “insincere.” It’s their inability to find patience and generosity within themselves, choosing instead to lash out.

Good individuals will never criticize you for being kind.

Even if they thought your form of kindness was unpleasant at times, they would address it without attempting to make you feel bad.

Remain True to Yourself

When kindness feels unreciprocated, it’s easy to wonder if it’s worth it—especially if the lack of recognition comes from someone we care for.

I’ve experienced this more times than I can count, and yes, it’s always disheartening.

However, kindness isn’t merely a means to appease others—it’s a way to show respect to ourselves.

You have the right to hit PAUSE or STOP when faced with excessive disrespect.

You don’t need to allow others to take advantage of you simply because you’re concerned about their perception of your authenticity.

Because, honestly, what if they did?

You don’t require their approval.

You’re kind because you are kind. It’s as simple as that.

**Sustaining Kindness While Steering Clear of Toxicity**

In a world that often seems divided and contentious, the significance of kindness cannot be emphasized enough. However, navigating the intricacies of human interaction necessitates a careful balance between exhibiting kindness and steering clear of toxic behavior. This piece delves into how individuals can nurture kindness while avoiding actions and mindsets that could be harmful to themselves and others.

### Defining Kindness

Kindness entails being friendly, generous, and considerate. It encompasses empathy, compassion, and a genuine longing to assist others. Acts of kindness can stretch from simple gestures, such as offering a smile or compliment, to more notable deeds like volunteering time or resources to assist those in need. Kindness fosters connections, enhances well-being, and contributes to a positive community atmosphere.

### Identifying Toxic Behavior

Toxic behavior refers to actions or attitudes that are harmful, damaging, or detrimental to relationships. This may include manipulation, criticism, passive aggression, and chronic negativity. Toxic behavior not only impacts those on the receiving end but also creates an environment that hinders growth and collaboration. Identifying these behaviors is crucial for maintaining healthy interactions.

### Techniques for Preserving Kindness

1. **Cultivate Self-Awareness**: Understanding your emotions and triggers is vital. Reflect on your responses in various scenarios and recognize any behavioral patterns that may veer toward toxicity. Self-awareness enables you to respond with kindness instead of reacting impulsively.

2. **Establish Boundaries**: Kindness doesn’t mean allowing others to exploit you. Setting clear boundaries is essential to safeguard your well-being. Communicate your limits respectfully and assertively, ensuring you uphold your kindness without sacrificing your values.

3. **Foster Empathy**: Endeavor to comprehend the perspectives and feelings of others. Empathy helps you approach challenging situations with compassion instead of judgment. When interactions are seen through an empathetic lens, you are more inclined to promote kindness even in difficult circumstances.

4. **Choose Your Words Carefully**: Language wields a significant influence on how messages are perceived. Select positive, constructive language that uplifts rather than degrades. Steer clear of sarcasm or harsh criticism, as these can be sensed as toxic even if unintentional.

5. **Concentrate on Solutions**: When conflicts arise, redirect your focus from blame to problem-solving. Tackle disagreements with a collaborative and understanding mindset. This not only fosters kindness but also helps to diffuse tension and prevent toxic dynamics.

6. **Surround Yourself with Positive Influencers**: The company you keep can greatly affect your behavior. Engage with individuals who embody kindness and positivity. This supportive environment can motivate you to uphold your own kindness while discouraging toxic behavior.

7. **Embrace Forgiveness**: Holding onto grudges can lead to bitterness and resentment, which are toxic emotions. Practice forgiveness for yourself and others. Letting go of past grievances allows for a kinder heart moving forward.

8. **Prioritize Self-Care**: Caring for your mental and emotional health is crucial for maintaining kindness. Engage in activities that rejuvenate you, whether through exercise, meditation, or pursuing hobbies. A well-balanced individual is likely to approach others with kindness.

### Closing Thoughts

Preserving kindness while avoiding toxic behavior is an ongoing journey requiring intention and effort. By fostering self-awareness, establishing boundaries, and practicing empathy, individuals can create a positive influence on their surroundings. Ultimately, kindness is not solely about how we treat others; it also reflects how we treat ourselves. By cultivating a culture of kindness, we contribute to a more compassionate and understanding world.