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“Be kind, for everyone you encounter is fighting a difficult battle.” ~Ian Maclaren
A friend recently shared a story about her mother that resonated with me.
They take evening walks around her mom’s apartment complex—partly for exercise, partly as a ritual. Her mom isn’t fond of small talk. While passing people in the building, she typically keeps her gaze straight ahead. There’s one particular woman who always asks, “How are you?” Years ago, her mom would reply. Now, she simply walks on.
My friend felt mixed emotions. Part of her understood, yet another part felt uneasy. She stated, “Sometimes saying ‘I’m fine’ costs nothing. It’s just common courtesy.”
Without much thought, I responded, “It costs energy. And she’s fatigued.”
And then I realized what I had said. I wasn’t solely referring to her mom. I was speaking about myself. I was worn out.
Recognizing Myself in the Narrative
As my friend elaborated and added context, I felt a realization sink in. I noticed how much of my own experience I had projected onto her tale.
Sometimes I avoid making eye contact with others while running—not due to being unfriendly or aloof, but because I want to maintain my inner focus. I aim to stay centered within myself.
At times, I may come off as curt with a customer service agent on the phone—not because they’ve done anything wrong, but because I lack the emotional bandwidth for the niceties. The small talk. The gentle cushioning designed to help me accept a “no” more easily. I want straightforward information. I want to wrap it up.
And sometimes—this is the part many middle-aged women, who have always been caregivers, feel embarrassed to acknowledge—I am no longer willing to distribute my energy as if it were candy. Energy is a resource, just like money, and many of us find ourselves in a deficit. There’s simply nothing left to give.
Energy Is Finite—It Must Be Managed
Energy is not boundless in any system—biological or otherwise.
According to physics, energy is conserved, not endlessly produced, and in living organisms, it must be meticulously distributed. The nervous system operates on limited resources, and prolonged periods of emotional labor, vigilance, and excessive responsibility tap into that same finite reserve. When these reserves are depleted for a prolonged time, the body doesn’t ask for consent before conserving; it simply does it.
Social interactions, emotional cushioning, and responsiveness are often the first elements to diminish—not as a moral decision or relational commentary, but as a basic physiological response. Conserving energy during these times isn’t selfish; it’s a system adhering to its boundaries.
For many individuals, especially those with learned patterns of codependency from childhood entrenched by society, energy has frequently been expended automatically rather than intentionally. We learned to observe, anticipate, soothe, and accommodate. We learned to say “I’m fine” even when we weren’t. We understood that being pleasant, responsive, and emotionally available helped maintain stability.
Over time, it accumulates.
After years of overextending ourselves—emotionally, relationally, practically—even the simplest interactions come at a cost. Eye contact. Tone variation. Politeness rituals. Emotional buffering. These actions aren’t inherently wrong, but they aren’t without cost.
Eventually, the body starts to make decisions before the mind fully grasps what’s occurring. And when this takes place, people often misinterpret depletion as a shift in personality.
When Withholding Becomes a Necessity—It’s Triage
Here’s an essential distinction, particularly for those of us accustomed to giving.
This isn’t the refined, empowered depiction of boundaries we frequently discuss. This isn’t clarity that stems from abundance. This is triage. Sometimes saying no—emotionally or energetically—isn’t about choice. It’s about the consequences that have finally caught up with the body, even if the mind hasn’t yet realized it.
If I don’t practice conservation, my health suffers. My children suffer. My work suffers. And the few people closest to me don’t receive the full version of myself.
Studies on burnout indicate that chronic emotional labor and excessive responsibility often result in emotional withdrawal as a defense mechanism—not because people care less, but due to their nervous systems being drained (Maslach & Leiter, 2001).
If you find yourself in this situation and feel guilty, the decision you make to conserve isn’t wrong. It’s simply that the conditioning of your mind hasn’t yet aligned with what your heart and gut already understand. For many women, giving once equated to safety. Being available signified belonging. So even when your internal supply is depleted, the reflex persists. You might not realize it, but you’re striving to safeguard what remains of yourself.
This doesn’t signify coldness. It indicates that your nervous system has hit its threshold.
The Danger of Assessing Character Rather Than Capacity
When we evaluate someone’s character without considering their capacity, we overlook the reality of their situation. We moralize fatigue, branding it as impolite, cold, selfish, or rude. We categorize survival reactions as defects. Not everyone who goes quiet is hardening. Not everyone who withdraws is indifferent. Not everyone who ceases to perform is making a statement.
Some of us are merely safeguarding the last remaining areas where our energy holds significant value.
So to the individual who feels guilty even when they’re entirely depleted—the one whose body has started saying no before their mind fully comprehends why, the one who has learned, often the hard way, that giving a little to everyone can lead to emptiness where it matters most—if this resonates with you, you’re not failing at kindness. You’re not transforming into someone unrecognizable.
You’re responding to years of overextension with the sole signal your system has left. And that warrants compassion, not judgment.
About Allison Briggs
Allison Jeanette Briggs is a therapist, writer, and speaker focusing on aiding women in healing from codependency, childhood trauma, and emotional neglect. She merges psychological insights with spiritual depth to guide clients and readers towards self-trust, boundaries, and authentic connection. Allison is the author of the forthcoming memoir On Being Real: Healing the Codependent Heart of a Woman and shares insights on healing, resilience, and inner freedom at on-being-real.com.
**The Significance of Safeguarding Your Energy: Recognizing Its Value and Need**
In the modern fast-paced world, the notion of energy transcends the physical; it includes emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects. Safeguarding your energy is vital for sustaining overall health, boosting productivity, and nurturing positive relationships. Acknowledging the importance and necessity of energy protection can pave the way for a more balanced and rewarding life.
### Grasping Energy
Energy can be described as the ability to perform work, but in a personal context, it pertains to the emotional and mental resources we utilize in our everyday lives. Every interaction, task, and experience demands energy, influenced by our surroundings, relationships, and internal feelings. Identifying the sources and drains of our energy is the initial step in its protection.
### The Importance of Safeguarding Your Energy
1. **Improved Mental Focus**: By safeguarding your energy, you foster a mental landscape that encourages focus and clarity. This enhances decision-making and creativity, essential in both personal and professional environments.
2. **Emotional Consistency**: Protecting energy aids in regulating emotional reactions. By establishing boundaries and reducing exposure to negativity, individuals can maintain a more stable emotional state, lessening stress and anxiety.
3. **Better Relationships**: Thriving relationships are founded on mutual respect and energy exchange. By securing your energy, you ensure that interactions are constructive and fulfilling, rather than depleting or harmful.
4. **Enhanced Productivity**: When energy is preserved and allocated towards meaningful activities, productivity rises naturally. This generates a greater sense of achievement and motivation, producing a positive feedback loop.
5. **Physical Well-Being**: There exists a direct correlation between mental and emotional energy and physical health. Protecting your energy can lead to improved physical wellness, lowering the likelihood of stress-related ailments.
### Tactics for Safeguarding Your Energy
1. **Establish Boundaries**: Clearly delineate what is acceptable in your interactions with others. This encompasses saying no to requests that drain you and reducing time spent with negative influences.
2. **Practice Mindfulness**: Engage in mindfulness activities like meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises. Such practices help center your thoughts and feelings, enabling you to recharge your energy.
3. **Surround Yourself with Positive Individuals**: Foster relationships and environments that uplift and motivate you. Positive energy is infectious and can significantly boost your own energy levels.
4. **Prioritize Self-Care**: Ensure activities that rejuvenate you are prioritized, whether it’s engaging with nature, pursuing hobbies, or guaranteeing adequate rest. Self-care is crucial for maintaining energy supplies.
5. **Reduce Exposure to Negativity**: Be mindful of the media you consume and the discussions you partake in. Cutting down on exposure to negative news and toxic conversations can help conserve your energy.
### Conclusion
Safeguarding your energy isn’t merely a personal choice; it is a requirement for a balanced and fulfilling life. By comprehending the significance of your energy and executing strategies to protect it, you can enhance your mental clarity, emotional steadiness, and overall wellness. In a world that frequently demands more than we can offer, prioritizing energy protection becomes a crucial step toward achieving a harmonious existence.