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“A lot of our difficulties in relationships stem not from character flaws but from survival mechanisms that once made sense.” ~Unknown
Throughout my life, people have frequently labeled me as self-assured and sociable. I can be the “heart and spirit” of gatherings and easily initiate conversations with a diverse array of individuals.
However, what no one could have anticipated is that I inwardly struggled with managing close friendships. I used to ruminate over every unanswered message, believed I had to please others to maintain friendships, and even distanced myself from friends because I assumed they were indifferent.
The situation worsened as I felt embarrassed, thinking everyone else found friendship simple while I was the odd one out.
I found the intricacies of friendships so overwhelming that I nearly abandoned the idea and told myself I didn’t require them. Yet, at my core, I felt lonely, yearned for connection, and questioned my own worth.
Eventually, in my early forties, I pursued training as a therapist and learned about “attachment styles.” That’s when everything began to click.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles explain how we think and act in our closest adult relationships, shaped by our childhood experiences.
For instance, if we have a secure attachment, we feel worthy and trust that people will remain present to fulfill our needs, based on our positive experiences with caregivers during childhood.
Conversely, someone with insecure attachments may feel inherently unlovable, think they must alter themselves to earn love, and remain vigilant against rejection. This usually stems from caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, critical, or inconsistent.
When I first encountered this in class, we were informed that attachment styles are a framework for romantic relationships. Everyone in the room concurred that it clarified the behaviors of a “clingy” partner or someone wrestling with “trust issues.”
I recall feeling perplexed and thinking privately, “But this mirrors how I act in friendships.”
I was hesitant to voice it, and since it wasn’t a topic of discussion, I assumed I was alone in this feeling.
However, once I qualified as a therapist, stories poured in from clients who also felt insecure in their platonic relationships. The cycle of overthinking consumed them, but the most challenging aspect was the shame of believing friendships “should be easy,” which led them to feel immature for finding them difficult.
I have since made it my goal to increase awareness about insecurity in friendships and the influence of attachment styles on these relationships, just as much as in romantic connections.
But before I conclude, I must share more of my journey. The positive news is I persevered in my quest for friendship. Realizing how my attachment style influenced my friendships was pivotal in my journey toward improvement, and now I enjoy enriching and supportive friendships with women with whom I feel safe and valued.
If you find friendships to be more of a source of stress than satisfaction and often ponder the reason, here are six indicators that you might be insecurely attached to your friends. Recognizing this is the first step toward healing.
6 Signs of Insecure Attachments in Friendships:
1. You constantly fear your friends are upset with you or even harbor secret animosity.
A friend doesn’t respond to a message or appears generally distant, leading you into a spiral of anxious thoughts, pondering, “What did I do?!” You wish to reach out but feel clingy, intensifying your negative self-perception.
You begin to question whether your friend still values you and continually check your messages for reassurances. You only regain peace when the expected reply arrives: “I’m so sorry, I was tied up.” Until next time!
2. You feel compelled to constantly please your friends to ensure they remain in your life.
Supporting our friends and being available when possible is important, but it shouldn’t mean sidelining your own needs.
If you possess an insecure attachment style, you may experience guilt when refusing requests, thinking your friends will judge you negatively and abandon you. This implies your friendships hinge solely on what you do for them, not on who you are, and you often make decisions rooted in fear of rejection rather than goodwill. Thus, you say yes when you would rather decline, leading to escalating anxiety.
3. You undergo intense feelings of rejection.
A friend cancels at the last minute or refuses an invitation, but instead of feeling just a tad disappointed, it feels devastating, almost like a gut punch.
No one embraces rejection since we all inherently desire acceptance. However, if the sensation of rejection feels excruciating, it may tap into long-held feelings of unworthiness or abandonment.
This scenario can unfold whether or not you have experienced actual rejection, as your nervous system may react based on familiar sensations. This means you may feel rejected even without having been, making it hard to discern reality.
4. You refrain from being open with friends or feel incapable of being your true self around them.
Insecure attachment often creates a persistent feeling of inadequacy. Therefore, you might act like an image of what you believe your friends desire (rather than your authentic self) and resist sharing your needs or concerns.
This behavior leads to superficial friendships that are hard to sustain over time. You may withdraw out of fear that others will discover “the real you,” or you find that friendships fail to deepen because you are not being genuine or vulnerable.
5. You experience jealousy or fear of being excluded.
Feeling secure and confidently attached means understanding that your friendships are robust enough to allow for a range of connections and that you bring unique attributes to the friendship table. If you feel threatened when a close friend hangs out with others, fearing they prefer them to you, it’s another indicator of insecure attachment.
This can also manifest as jealousy or feelings of exclusion when mutual friends appear especially close (i.e., within a shared group), making you view friendships as a competition. You may feel pressured to “keep up appearances” since you fear being forgotten, even if it means disregarding your needs.
6. You withdraw from friends rather than express your feelings when hurt.
If a friend neglects to reach out on your birthday, the hurt may lead you to withdraw completely. Perhaps this is due to your acute sensitivity to friends’ actions; you wouldn’t have done that, so you conclude they don’t care. Yet, the only mechanism you know for coping is to retreat instead of voicing your feelings, which ultimately creates a cycle that could damage the friendship.
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Recognizing that most individuals exhibit some of these behaviors occasionally in friendships can be helpful. However, if these traits are consistently present, they are likely to inflict unnecessary stress, elevate anxiety, and hinder the maintenance of friendships.
Sadly, this perpetuates the underlying fears of inadequacy, and we often fail to realize we are the ones undermining our platonic relationships.
The positive takeaway is that we can learn techniques to self-soothe and foster more secure attachments in friendships, and I have found mindful self-compassion particularly beneficial.
This practice helps us enhance our awareness of our automatic thoughts and emotions, regulate our physical and emotional states, and actively nurture kinder and wiser reactions to situations. For instance, taking a moment to pause and ground ourselves when triggered, tuning into our emotional state, acknowledging that our feelings are valid, and considering what we might advise a cared-for friend in a similar scenario.
Understanding the entrenched beliefs we hold about ourselves and our relationships and enhancing our self-worth is equally crucial so that we don’t rely solely on external validation to feel adequate.
Although it requires time and potentially professional assistance, through awareness and dedication to self-improvement, anyone can forge connections that are sources of joy rather than anxiety.
About Rebecca Stambridge
Rebecca is a certified therapist and mindfulness instructor offering individualized and group services online to empower individuals to feel more secure and self-assured in their careers and personal lives by enhancing their self-esteem. Currently, she focuses on aiding those whose anxiety affects their friendships. You can access her complimentary guide, “Break Free from Overthinking Friendships,” here. Or visit her website to collaborate with her today.
**The Influence of Friendships on Anxiety and Overthinking**
Friendships significantly influence our mental health and emotional well-being. The nature of these relationships can deeply affect how we handle anxiety and the propensity to overthink. Understanding how friendships impact these mental health facets can offer important insights into cultivating healthier connections and coping mechanisms.
**1. Emotional Support and Validation**
A key advantage of friendships is the emotional support they provide. Friends create a secure environment for expressing feelings, sharing concerns, and seeking validation. This support can alleviate anxiety by reminding individuals they are not isolated in their experiences. When friends actively listen and show empathy, it mitigates anxious thoughts and enhances the sense of belonging.
**2. Distraction from Negative Thoughts**
Spending time with friends can act as a powerful diversion from overthinking. Social interactions naturally draw focus away from internal worries, offering opportunities for joy, laughter, and shared experiences. This diversion can interrupt the cycle of rumination, allowing individuals precious moments of respite from anxiety.
**3. Encouragement to Seek Help**
Friends can be instrumental in motivating individuals to pursue professional help when necessary. They may notice signs of excessive anxiety or overthinking and gently encourage seeking therapy or counseling. This kind of nudge can be pivotal, as it often takes external encouragement to prompt proactive mental health initiatives.
**4. Development of Coping Strategies**
Friendships can aid in cultivating healthy coping strategies. Friends tend to share their own struggles with anxiety and overthinking, providing fresh perspectives and techniques for managing these challenges. Whether through practicing mindfulness together, engaging in physical activities, or merely discussing problems, friends can assist each other in fostering effective coping strategies.
**5. Social Accountability**
Having friends creates a sense of accountability that can inspire individuals to manage their anxiety and tendencies to overthink. Friends can motivate one another to partake in positive behaviors, such as exercising, maintaining balance in life, or employing relaxation techniques. This accountability can enhance mental health outcomes and lower anxiety levels.
**6. The Risk of Toxic Friendships**
While friendships can positively shape our lives, toxic ones can intensify anxiety and overthinking. Friends who are overly critical, dismissive, or unsupportive can heighten feelings of inadequacy and amplify anxiety. Recognizing the quality of friendships and prioritizing positivity and support is crucial.
**7. The Role of Communication**
Clear and honest communication is essential in friendships, especially when addressing issues related to anxiety and overthinking. Friends who communicate effectively can better ascertain each other’s needs and offer appropriate support. This dialogue is also important for establishing boundaries and ensuring both parties feel at ease discussing mental health.
**Conclusion**
Friendships profoundly impact anxiety and overthinking. Supportive and positive relationships offer emotional backing, distraction, and motivation while encouraging the development of coping strategies. In contrast, toxic friendships can exacerbate anxiety and contribute to negative thought patterns. By fostering healthy friendships and maintaining open communication, individuals can greatly improve their mental well-being and manage anxiety effectively.