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“It is not your duty to decipher what someone else is experiencing and why. Release the misconception that ‘fixing’ their negative mood will improve your own.” ~Sarah Crosby
Years ago, I was on the phone with my husband. He seemed frustrated about something work-related, but I felt a powerful emotional response rising within me. Instantly, my heart clenched and my stomach tightened. It was as if a freight train of emotions had been set in motion inside me.
I was engulfed in nausea, feeling incredibly uneasy.
This reaction was an old and recognized pattern for me. My husband would share his feelings, and I would become completely overwhelmed by them. This initiated a cycle of reactivity: he would express annoyance, I would react with fear of his displeasure, and our emotions would quickly become chaotic.
Yet what hurt more than that immediate moment, when I perceived his feelings as catastrophic, was what followed. I would fall into a familiar pit of despair regarding my husband and his emotional state. I’d attempt to devise solutions to the situation or feel wronged by his reactions.
I experienced this response not only with my husband but also with nearly everyone in my life to varying extents. My perception, whether real or imagined, of others feeling something—how awful that felt within me.
It was completely instinctual; someone would appear upset, and I would rush in to fix, reassure, aid, or calm. In that process, I would entirely suppress my own needs and feelings due to my discomfort with others’ emotions.
At times, it felt as though those close to me were intentionally trying to upset me with their emotions. When a family member expressed anger, it would completely overwhelm me, leaving me resentful for days or even weeks. It felt as though their anger was a punishment directed at me.
When my children showed sadness or disappointment, I found it unbearable to see them in distress, prompting me to change their plans, offer cookies, or attempt to talk them out of their feelings.
The issue here is that, naturally, when we are human beings around other human beings, we are bound to encounter emotions—whether concerning ourselves, each other, or any other subject that stirs feelings.
When we view others’ emotions as challenging, we fail to grant them the space necessary to feel. There’s an underlying element of Your feelings are unsettling for me! Could you please suppress them because I dislike them?
This reaction is understandable when we lack the tools to manage our own emotions. If we feel uncomfortable around our feelings, it’s natural to struggle with those of others.
So how do we detach from entangling ourselves with others and their emotions? How do we diminish the intensity of our reactions to the feelings of others, no matter what those feelings are about?
How can we stop allowing the emotional responses of others to completely distract us, derailing our day and consuming an excessive amount of time while triggering our own uncomfortable feelings?
For me, the initial step was recognizing what was occurring. I felt as though others’ feelings were impacting me, but the truth was they were experiencing feelings, and I was experiencing my own.
My emotions differ from your emotions.
One reason relationships can become so entangled and messy is that we fail to acknowledge that we possess distinct feelings. In many relationships, we do not provide the necessary space for each other to experience emotions due to habitual reactions to them.
Often, we perceive it as follows:
Quit being scared! It makes me scared!
Stop being irritable! It’s making me anxious!
But in reality, no one is causing us to feel anything. Our emotions arise independently, just as someone else’s do. Yet we can learn to refrain from taking on their feelings as our own.
If we can acknowledge Oh, I am experiencing my own emotions here! we can leverage this awareness to create space and subsequently focus on ourselves and our feelings instead.
Understand that no one is feeling intentionally.
After a few years of coaching and significantly altering how I navigated my own emotions and my reactions to others, I once asked my husband what he appreciated most about my work. He expressed that he no longer felt tormented by my emotions. I thought to myself, Wow! That’s intriguing.
I was so accustomed to being overwhelmed by his emotions that I never considered he might feel the same way concerning mine.
Because my emotional responses differ from his, it never crossed my mind that he, too, felt anxious around my emotions. It’s this disparity in our responses that can create significant confusion in relationships.
My usual tactic when my husband’s emotions overwhelmed me was to chase after him and attempt to discuss and resolve everything immediately. His approach was to retreat and distance himself from me.
Essentially, we both felt tested by each other’s emotions, and by striving to create some space to support ourselves with our own feelings, we initiated a tremendous shift in how we now interact with one another.
People can’t genuinely exhibit empathy when they are emotionally triggered.
What I’ve learned about emotions is that we cannot truly access empathy if we are emotionally activated. Thus, if I’m with someone experiencing emotions, I do not anticipate empathy or insight from them.
To reach full empathy, we must navigate through emotions, meaning part of engaging with others requires letting them process their anger, fear, sadness, or whatever feelings they are encountering.
I don’t engage them on issues I find troubling or address their behaviors or statements until after they’ve navigated through that emotion.
When we experience any emotion, we view the world through that emotional lens. Anger perceives distress around every corner. Fear identifies threats everywhere. Therefore, it doesn’t serve us to over-involve ourselves with what someone might express during an emotional upheaval.
Recognizing this aids us in managing our reactions to their words, actions, or feelings.
Feelings trigger other feelings.
If we are feeling calm and someone approaches expressing intense anger, it can easily evoke feelings within us. That’s a natural reaction. We might feel fear surrounding their anger, or perhaps experience anger at their aggressive emotions. It’s typical for our feelings to be activated by others.
In the face of any emotion, we should focus on providing support to ourselves through those emotional stirrings. When we can achieve this, when we can sit with ourselves and offer support, we can navigate the emotions with greater ease and confidence, avoiding becoming ensnared in the cycle of that feeling.
By observing and articulating your experience, you provide yourself some support.
We can tell ourselves, The most beneficial thing I can do right now is support myself in feeling my own emotions, rather than engaging with theirs.
We can recognize how difficult this is for us. We can give ourselves the gift of understanding, which can assist in comforting us through the discomfort triggered by the emotions.
Extend empathy, understanding, and validation towards yourself.
Empathy is an incredibly valuable resource during emotional turmoil. Providing ourselves with gentle, compassionate support is a significant gift during activation.
Perhaps we say to ourselves:
This is challenging for me because…
I can see why this is so difficult.
It’s understandable that this is hard for me since…
It’s tough seeing someone feel disappointed or angry. Holding these feelings can be challenging.
If it feels right, give yourself some physical support.
Place your hand on your heart, or caress your arms, giving yourself a hug as you stay present with your experience of your feelings.
Of course, this is not always simple! When we’ve conditioned ourselves over a lifetime to respond to others’ emotions in a particular manner, it requires effort and concentration to begin reacting differently.
Others’ emotional activations are some of the most difficult situations we face, but with mindfulness and intention, we can learn to view these occurrences through a new lens and subsequently learn to react differently.
Now, when I perceive disappointment or irritation from my husband, sadness or despair from my children, or anger or shame from my family, I can discern that these are their feelings! I don’t need to dive into their emotional pool and get consumed by their experiences.
I can instead step back and support myself, which in return aids them because I’m not contributing to the emotional burden they’re undergoing.
I can assist by taking responsibility for my feelings, ensuring we don’t create a chaotic mixture of messy emotions.
This is how anyone can establish space and tranquility amidst the emotional experiences surrounding them.
About Diana Bird
Diana Bird is a Neuro-Emotional coach and writer who supports individuals in breaking free from overwhelm, panic, and dread, stepping into calm and confidence. Subscribe for her free emotional-processing mini workshop and gain access to powerful tools, free training, and continuous support to transform your emotional well-being. Take the first step toward enduring emotional change. Diana resides in southern Spain with her two children and photographer husband.
**Strategies for Handling Overwhelm from Others’ Strong Emotions**
In our interconnected environment, coming across the strong emotions of others is an unavoidable part of life. Whether in personal relationships, work environments, or social gatherings, the intensity of another’s feelings can lead to overwhelming experiences. Here are several strategies to effectively manage and navigate these circumstances.
### 1. **Cultivate Emotional Awareness**
Understanding your emotions is the first step in managing the effects of others’ feelings. Engage in self-reflection to identify your emotional triggers and responses. This awareness can help you distinguish between your feelings and those of others, allowing you to maintain a clearer perspective.
### 2. **Establish Boundaries**
Setting emotional boundaries is essential. Clearly and assertively communicate your limits. This may involve declining situations that feel too intense or stepping back when someone’s emotions become overwhelming. Boundaries protect your emotional space and help you sustain your well-being.
### 3. **Practice Active Listening**
When someone expresses strong emotions, employ active listening. This means giving them your full attention, validating their feelings, and refraining from immediately providing solutions. By allowing them to express themselves, you can help diffuse the intensity of their emotions while also fostering a supportive environment.
### 4. **Utilize Grounding Techniques**
Grounding techniques can assist in keeping you centered when faced with overwhelming feelings. Strategies such as deep breathing, focusing on your surroundings, or engaging in physical activities can help you regain a sense of control. These practices can prove particularly beneficial in high-stress situations.
### 5. **Limit Exposure**
If certain individuals frequently trigger strong emotional reactions in you, consider minimizing your exposure to them. This doesn’t mean excluding them from your life entirely, but rather finding a balance that enables you to preserve your emotional health while still being supportive.
### 6. **Seek Support**
Do not hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or professionals. Discussing your feelings with someone who understands can offer relief and perspective. Support groups or therapy can also be instrumental in learning how to cope with the emotional intensity of others.
### 7. **Prioritize Self-Care**
Make self-care a priority to replenish your emotional reserves. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as exercising, pursuing hobbies, or practicing mindfulness. Attending to your mental and physical health is vital for managing the emotional demands posed by others.
### 8. **Cultivate Empathy with Detachment**
While empathy remains important, it’s equally crucial to practice emotional detachment. This entails understanding and empathizing with another’s feelings without becoming enmeshed in them. Recognize that their emotions belong to them, and you can provide support without absorbing their emotional state.
### 9. **Develop Conflict Resolution Skills**
Strong emotions frequently lead to conflict. Cultivating conflict resolution abilities can empower you to navigate these situations more effectively. Learn to communicate openly, seek mutual ground, and approach disagreements with a problem-solving mindset.
### 10. **Reflect and Learn**
After confronting overwhelming emotions from others, take a moment for reflection. Consider what strategies worked in managing your response and which did not. Learning from these experiences can enhance your emotional resilience and refine your coping strategies for the future.
### Conclusion
Managing overwhelm stemming from others’ strong emotions is a skill that can be cultivated over time. By applying these strategies, you can create a healthier emotional environment for yourself and those around you, enhancing your relationships and overall well-being.