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“Between stimulus and response there lies a space. In that space is our ability to choose our response.” ~Viktor Frankl
For a period, I overlooked that space.
When conflict arose in my life—first with my employer, then with my insurance provider—I did not respond with an explosive reaction. I refrained from sending impulsive emails.
I opted for a course of action that seemed much more logical.
I formulated arguments.
I crafted meticulous, layered justifications. I organized policy citations, contextual elements, and logical links. I presented what felt like a comprehensive web of concepts for my defense. If I could strengthen my case, I thought, it would be indisputable.
It felt reasonable.
Yet it was not tranquil.
When Conflict Invades the Body
The conflict did not reside solely in my inbox. It took residence in my body.
I woke up rehearsing arguments. I reviewed messages post-sending, searching for flaws. I was defending myself even in silence.
There was a tension in my jaw. A persistent hum of alertness. A sensation of being diminutive within frameworks that employed language more formally than I did.
Fear was present, although I didn’t initially identify it.
Fear of being misinterpreted. Fear of being disregarded. Fear that a single flaw in my reasoning would be exploited against me.
So, I endeavored to leave no flaws.
The Urge to OverExplain
As someone accustomed to system-based thinking, I instinctively search for structure. When something feels amiss, I analyze how the components interconnect. I reveal the underlying framework of the issue.
Under stress, that instinct heightened.
The more anxious I became, the more elaborate my explanations turned. My emails were not emotional—they were complex. Comprehensive. Laborious.
And draining.
What I gradually began to realize was that my drive for thoroughness was not merely intellectual rigor.
It was anxiety masquerading as such.
If I addressed every facet, I wouldn’t be exposed. But covering every facet didn’t soothe me. It kept me in a whirl.
The Strength of the Pause
The transformation wasn’t dramatic.
It commenced with interruptions.
Before sending certain emails, I started creating space. Sometimes that meant taking a day off. Other times it meant evaluating my draft through an impartial lens and posing straightforward questions:
Is this comprehensible? Is this overly complex? What result am I truly aiming for?
What astonished me was not the feedback.
It was the pause itself.
Instead of adding more context, I began to strip it away.
Half of what I had written was justifiable—but superfluous. I didn’t need to anticipate every rebuttal. I didn’t need to validate the entire philosophical basis of fairness.
I needed to be succinct.
And succinctness felt more serene.
Clarity Is More Powerful than Volume
I started to recognize that strength does not derive from complexity.
It arises from clarity.
Not every supporting idea should be included in the email.
Not every potential objection needs to be preemptively countered.
Not every detail requires justification.
Sometimes clarity entails halving your argument.
That was initially unsettling. It seemed like surrender.
But it wasn’t surrender.
It was refinement.
When I condensed my replies, something else condensed too—my ruminations. My body relaxed. The internal courtroom quieted down.
Clarity diminished the emotional intensity.
How to Advocate Without Rising Tensions
If you find yourself over-explaining during conflicts, here are some strategies that aided me:
First, write the complete version privately. Say everything. Construct the entire barricade if needed.
Then step back.
Upon your return, ask yourself:
- What precise result am I pursuing?
- Which statements directly support that result?
- Which statements are aimed at proving my correctness?
Eliminate what seeks to prove. Retain what seeks to resolve.
Substitute broad declarations with explicit requests. Instead of “This is unjust,” say “I am requesting X by Y date.”
Observe how your body reacts when you read the shortened version.
Often, it feels steadier.
And steadiness equates to power.
Opting for Dignity Instead of Fear
Ultimately, the conflicts were settled. Not dramatically. Not flawlessly. But adequately.
What lingered was not the result.
It was the person I had become.
Less reactive. Less ensnared in overcomplication. Less fearful that clarity necessitated complete coverage.
I had discovered something previously unlearned:
Advocacy doesn’t necessitate agitation.
It requires presence.
You need not overwhelm someone to uphold your stance.
You need not sacrifice your tranquility to assert your rights.
Fear attempts to cover every facet. Dignity stands firm in one clear stance.
When I transitioned from constructing intellectual barriers to calmly standing in my needs, everything shifted—not necessarily the system, but me.
And that was sufficient.
If you are facing a similar situation right now—an email you dread sending, a circumstance where you feel overlooked—try creating space before responding.
Draft it. Don’t send it. Return with a clearer mindset.
Choose clarity instead of coverage. Choose steadiness instead of haste.
You can advocate for yourself without forfeiting your peace.
I didn’t intend to learn that lesson.
But I’m grateful that I did.
If sharing this can help even one person feel less isolated in that uncomfortable space between self-defense and self-preservation, then the struggles I endured weren’t in vain. That is my aspiration.
About Tony Collins
Edward “Tony” Collins, EdD, MFA, is a documentary filmmaker, writer, educator, and advocate for disability rights living with progressive vision loss due to macular degeneration. His work delves into presence, caregiving, resilience, and the subtle strength of small moments. He is currently finalizing books on creative scholarship and collaborative documentary filmmaking and shares personal narratives about meaning, hope, and disability on Substack.
Connect: substack.com/@iefilm | iefilm.com
**Tactics for Reducing Overexplaining and Attaining Calm During Conflicts**
Conflict is an unavoidable aspect of human interaction, whether in intimate relationships, workplaces, or social contexts. Frequently, individuals may find themselves overelaborating their thoughts and feelings during these disagreements, resulting in misunderstandings and increased tensions. Here are several tactics to alleviate overexplaining and achieve a more serene, more constructive resolution.
### 1. **Engage in Active Listening**
Active listening involves fully focusing on what the other person conveys rather than crafting your response while they speak. This practice not only demonstrates respect but also enables a better understanding of their viewpoint. By concentrating on listening, you might discover that you need to elaborate less, as you are addressing the actual concerns raised.
### 2. **Establish Clear Intentions**
Before engaging in a conflict discussion, clarify your goals. Are you attempting to resolve a matter, express your emotions, or comprehend the other person’s standpoint? By defining a clear intention, you can remain focused on the conversation’s aim, thereby minimizing unnecessary explanations and diversions.
### 3. **Utilize “I” Statements**
Employing “I” statements can convey your feelings without appearing accusatory. For instance, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could express, “I feel unheard when I’m talking.” This method mitigates the need for extensive explanations and helps maintain a calm conversation centered on your emotions.
### 4. **Limit Your Words**
During high-emotion moments, it’s easy to over-elaborate to justify your stance. Practice brevity by summarizing your points in a few sentences. This strategy not only helps you remain calm but also encourages the other person to engage more candidly without feeling overwhelmed by information.
### 5. **Take Breaks When Necessary**
If the discussion becomes overly heated or you find yourself drifting into overexplaining, take a break. Stepping away for a few minutes can aid in regaining clarity and composure. Use this time to reflect on your thoughts and prepare to return to the conversation with a more composed mindset.
### 6. **Concentrate on Solutions**
Redirect the conversation toward identifying solutions instead of lingering on the problem. By focusing on what can be accomplished moving forward, you can lessen the inclination to over-explain past grievances and instead foster a collaborative environment.
### 7. **Implement Mindfulness Techniques**
Integrating mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or grounding exercises, can help maintain calm during disputes. These practices allow you to center yourself and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively, which reduces the tendency to over-explain.
### 8. **Set Boundaries**
Establishing boundaries regarding the length of discussions or which topics are off-limits can help manage the dialogue’s flow. Clear boundaries can prevent conversations from devolving into prolonged explanations and keep the focus on resolution.
### 9. **Seek Clarification**
If you feel the urge to elaborate, first ask if the other person comprehends your point. Framing questions like, “Does that make sense?” or “Do you have any questions about what I just said?” can help assess their understanding and cut down on excessive elaboration.
### 10. **Reflect Post-Conflict**
After a dispute, take some time to consider what transpired positively and what areas could be improved. Reflect on whether you overexplained and how it influenced the conversation. This reflection can help you recognize patterns and develop strategies for future interactions.
### Conclusion
Minimizing overexplaining during conflicts and achieving a calm demeanor requires practice and self-awareness. By using these strategies, individuals can engage in more effective communication, leading to healthier relationships and more constructive conflict resolution. Embracing these methods enhances personal interactions while also contributing to a more peaceful and understanding atmosphere.