Does everything seem overwhelming lately? Get When Life Sucks: 21 Days of Laughs and Light for free by subscribing to the Tiny Buddha newsletter.
“It is not your duty to decipher someone else’s feelings and their reasons. Release the misconception that ‘fixing’ their negative emotions will improve your own mood.” ~Sarah Crosby
A few years back, I was on the phone with my husband. He sounded frustrated about a work-related issue, and I noticed a strong emotional response within myself. Instantly, my heart tightened and my stomach dropped. I could sense a surge of emotions swirling inside me.
My entire body was engulfed in nausea, and I felt incredibly uneasy.
This was a recurrent and familiar pattern for me. My husband shared some feelings, and I felt completely inundated by them. It created a cycle of reactivity where he would express annoyance, I would react with fear of his irritation, and it would turn into a chaotic explosion of emotions.
However, what felt more unbearable than the moment I experienced his feelings as if they were cataclysmic was the aftermath. I would descend into a familiar pit of despair regarding my husband and his emotional state. I would brainstorm ways to rectify the situation or feel wronged by his response.
This reaction wasn’t limited to my husband; it was something I experienced with most people in my life, to varying extents. My genuine or perceived recognition of someone experiencing feelings and the discomfort it brought me in my body.
My instinct was to intervene whenever someone appeared upset, attempting to reassure, fix, help, or comfort them. In the process, I completely disregarded my own needs and feelings because I disliked being around others and their emotional states so much.
At times, it felt as if those close to me were intentionally trying to upset me with their emotions. When a family member expressed anger, it would completely overwhelm me, leading to weeks of resentment. It felt as though they were punishing me with their anger.
When my children exhibited disappointment or sadness, it was unbearable to witness their distress, so I would try to alleviate their discomfort by altering their plans, giving them a cookie, or talking them out of their emotions.
The reality is that, as humans interacting with other humans, we will inevitably encounter people who are experiencing emotions—whether regarding us, themselves, or any other topic that elicits feelings.
When we find other people’s emotions burdensome, we fail to give them the space needed to feel. It conveys a sense of Your feelings are causing me discomfort! Can you please suppress them because I can’t stand them.
This reaction is understandable when we are uncertain of how to handle our own emotions. If we feel uncomfortable with our own feelings, it’s no surprise we struggle with the emotions of others.
So how can we learn to avoid becoming enmeshed with others and their feelings? How do we cease having such profound responses to others’ emotions, irrespective of their nature?
How can we prevent external emotional responses from completely derailing our day—taking up significant time and triggering our own uncomfortable feelings?
For me, the first step was recognizing what was occurring. I believed others’ emotions were impacting me, but in truth, they were feeling their feelings while I was feeling mine.
My feelings are distinct from your feelings.
A key reason relationships can become so intertwined and chaotic is our failure to acknowledge that we each possess individual feelings. In many relationships, we don’t allow one another the space to feel because of the ingrained patterns in how we react to emotions.
We tend to perceive it like this:
Stop being afraid! It’s making me frightened!
Stop being irritable! It’s making me anxious!
But truly, no one is causing us to experience feelings. Our emotions arise independently, just like someone else’s. However, we can learn to refrain from responding to their emotions as if they’re our own.
If we recognize Oh, I have my own feelings here!, we can utilize this awareness to create space and begin focusing on ourselves and our emotions instead.
Acknowledge that no one is experiencing emotions intentionally.
After a few years of coaching and drastically transforming how I managed my emotions and reacted to those of others around me, I asked my husband what he appreciated most about my work. He remarked that he no longer feels tormented by my emotions. I thought, Wow! That is truly intriguing.
I had been so accustomed to feeling overwhelmed by his emotions that it never crossed my mind he might feel the same way.
Because our emotional reactions differ so greatly, it didn’t dawn on me that he was also uncomfortable with my feelings. It’s the differences in our responses that can create such confusion in our relationships.
My automatic response to feeling overwhelmed by my husband’s emotions was to chase him down to discuss and resolve everything immediately. His response was to disconnect from me and escape.
In essence, we both felt challenged by each other’s feelings; by taking the time to support ourselves through our own emotions, we facilitated a significant shift in how we now relate to each other.
People cannot be genuinely empathetic when they are emotionally charged.
What I have learned about emotions is that genuine empathy cannot be accessed when one is emotionally activated, so if I’m with someone who is experiencing feelings, I don’t anticipate empathy and understanding from them.
To fully access our empathy, we must first navigate through our emotions; thus, a part of dealing with others involves allowing them to process their anger/fear/sadness or whatever they might be feeling.
I refrain from discussing anything I find displeasing with them or addressing their behavior or comments—until they have processed that feeling.
When we encounter any emotion, we view the entire world through the lens of that emotion. Anger perceives negativity everywhere. Fear recognizes threats everywhere. Therefore, it’s counterproductive to get too involved in what someone might communicate while they are amidst an emotional surge.
Understanding this aids us in not reacting impulsively to what they are saying, doing, or feeling.
Emotions trigger additional emotions.
If we are feeling tranquil and someone else expresses intense anger, it can naturally provoke our own emotions. That’s expected. We might experience fear in response to their anger, or we might feel anger towards their anger. It’s normal for our emotions to activate in reaction to others.
With any emotion, we must focus on helping ourselves through such emotional surges. When we can achieve this, when we can sit with ourselves and offer support, we can move through emotions with greater ease and confidence, avoiding becoming stuck in an emotional cycle.
By recognizing and naming your experience, you provide yourself with support.
We can tell ourselves, The best thing I can do right now is support myself in feeling my own emotions and refrain from engaging in theirs.
We can acknowledge how difficult this is for us. We can grant ourselves the gift of understanding, which can assist us in navigating through the discomfort of the emotions that have been triggered.
Give yourself empathy, understanding, and validation.
Empathy becomes an invaluable resource during emotionally charged moments. Providing ourselves with gentle, compassionate support is a significant gift in times of activation.
Perhaps we say to ourselves:
This is challenging for me because…
I comprehend why this is so difficult.
It’s reasonable for me to find this tough since…
It’s hard to witness someone feeling so disappointed or angry. Holding these feelings is challenging.
If it feels beneficial, give yourself some physical support.
Place your hand on your heart, or stroke your arms, hugging yourself, while remaining present with this experience of processing your feelings.
Of course, this isn’t always straightforward! After a lifetime of responding to others’ emotions in a particular manner, it requires effort and focus to shift our responses.
The emotional surges of others are among the most challenging situations we face, but with mindfulness and intention, we can learn to perceive these experiences differently and develop new ways of responding.
Now, when I observe disappointment or irritation from my husband, sadness or despair from my children, or anger or shame from my family, I recognize that these are their feelings! I no longer feel compelled to dive into their emotional turmoil or get submerged in their experiences.
I can instead step back and support myself, which in turn benefits them as I don’t add to the emotional burden they are experiencing.
I can assist by taking responsibility for my feelings, ensuring we don’t create a chaotic mix of confusing emotions.
This is how anyone can foster space and tranquility in the emotional atmospheres surrounding them.
About Diana Bird
Diana Bird is a Neuro-Emotional coach and writer who assists individuals in escaping overwhelm, panic, and despair, moving toward calmness and self-assurance. Sign up for her free emotional-processing mini workshop to receive valuable tools, free training, and continuous support to elevate your emotional health. Take the first step towards enduring emotional transformation. Diana resides in southern Spain with her two children and photographer husband.
**Techniques for Managing Overwhelm from Others’ Intense Emotions**
In our interconnected lives, encountering the strong emotions of those around us can be an all-too-common experience. Whether in personal connections, professional environments, or social circles, the emotional states of individuals nearby can greatly influence our well-being. Here are a number of strategies to effectively cope with feelings of overwhelm when confronted with strong emotions from others.
### 1. **Establish Emotional Boundaries**
Setting definitive emotional boundaries is crucial for safeguarding your own emotional well-being. This involves distinguishing where your feelings end and another person’s begin. Learn to say no when needed, and give yourself permission to distance yourself from situations that feel overwhelming. Clearly and kindly articulate your limitations to those around you.
### 2. **Practice Active Listening**
When someone is conveying intense emotions, engage in active listening. This means fully focusing on what the individual is expressing without immediately reacting or planning your response. Acknowledge their feelings empathetically, which can help lessen the intensity of the moment and enable you to remain composed.
### 3. **Utilize Grounding Techniques**
Grounding techniques can assist in maintaining presence and managing overwhelming feelings. Practices such as deep breathing, tuning into your senses, or visualizing a serene location can help center your thoughts and emotions. When you feel inundated, take a moment for grounding before responding.
### 4. **Limit Exposure to High-Emotion Situations**
If certain settings or individuals consistently evoke strong emotional reactions, consider reducing your exposure to them. This might involve taking breaks from social events, setting time constraints on conversations, or avoiding particular subjects that trigger intense feelings.
### 5. **Engage in Self-Care**
Give priority to self-care practices that replenish your emotional resources. Activities such as exercise, meditation, journaling, or enjoying nature can help you recharge. Establish the habit of regularly engaging in these practices, especially following emotionally draining encounters.
### 6. **Seek Support**
Don’t hesitate to reach out for support from friends, family, or professionals. Discussing your experiences with someone who comprehends can bring relief and perspective. Consider joining support groups where you can share and gain insights from others facing similar trials.
### 7. **Enhance Emotional Intelligence**
Cultivating your emotional intelligence can improve your ability to manage the feelings of others. This includes recognizing your emotional triggers, understanding the emotions of those around you, and responding appropriately. Training in emotional intelligence offers valuable strategies for navigating overwhelming circumstances.
### 8. **Embrace Mindfulness**
Mindfulness encourages being present in the moment without judgment. Through practicing mindfulness, you can observe your reactions to the emotions of others without succumbing to overwhelm. Techniques such as meditation or mindful breathing can nurture this skill.
### 9. **Communicate Openly**
If another person’s emotions are influencing you, consider having an open dialogue about it. Share your feelings candidly and respectfully, and explore how their emotional state affects you. This fosters understanding and can lead to healthier interactions.
### 10. **Acknowledge the Value of Empathy**
While it’s vital to safeguard your emotional health, cultivating empathy can also be beneficial. Recognizing that the emotions of others frequently arise from their own experiences can help you respond with kindness instead of feeling overwhelmed. Striking this balance fosters a supportive environment for both individuals.
### Conclusion
Learning to manage overwhelm from the intense emotions of others is a skill to be developed over time. By implementing these strategies, you can protect your emotional well-being while still being a supportive presence for those around you. Remember that it’s essential to prioritize your health, and discovering the right balance will lead to healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.