Nurturing a Feeling of Security in Rest Following Years of Accommodating Others

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“Rest is not idleness, and to sometimes lie on the grass beneath trees on a summer day, listening to the gentle flow of water or observing the clouds drift across the sky, is certainly not a waste of time.” ~John Lubbock

For many years, I believed that fatigue indicated I had fully engaged in life and given my all that day. I felt a sense of pride in my weariness. I extracted every ounce from the day, leaving nothing behind.

Whenever I sensed fatigue, I compelled myself to complete just one more task. It was perpetually about just doing one more thing. If I felt the need to rest, I reprimanded myself for my perceived weakness. It appeared everyone else could keep pushing forward—working late, agreeing to every demand, maintaining their composure, and accomplishing everything on their lists.

So, I pushed myself harder. I consumed more coffee, disregarded the racing in my heart, and convinced myself I would take a break “later” as a reward. But when that later finally arrived, I was so drained and depleted that I could only find solace in the easiest comfort food and collapsing in front of the television.

Deep down, my fatigue didn’t stem merely from overexertion. I was worn out from trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to portray. I gave everything away, leaving nothing for myself.

I was fatigued from trying to please others.

When Rest Feels Dangerous

The act of pleasing others is frequently misinterpreted as kindness, yet fundamentally it serves as a survival mechanism. Psychologists refer to it as the “fawn response.” When fight or flight aren’t viable options, some individuals learn to stay safe by appeasing those around them—consistently saying yes, remaining agreeable, and avoiding conflict at all costs.

While this may safeguard us in threatening environments, over time it exacts a heavy toll. The body remains in a hyper-vigilant state—constantly monitoring the needs of others, assessing their tone of voice, always poised to mitigate issues.

In such a state, the idea of rest doesn’t seem feasible.

When I attempted to take a break—whether sitting in silence, lying down, or even taking a deliberate breath—my body resisted. My chest was filled with tension. My throat constricted, as if rest itself posed a threat. Doing nothing felt perilous, as if I might upset someone or face rejection or abandonment if I wasn’t productive.

Thus, I stayed in constant motion. Externally, I appeared capable, reliable, and “good.” Internally, I was running on empty.

The Price of Never Pausing

When rest seems perilous, exhaustion becomes a way of life.

The body deteriorates. I developed a stress knot in my shoulder, maintained poor posture, and experienced relentless fatigue.

The mind spirals. Anxiety became more pronounced, whispering that I wasn’t doing enough.

The heart aches. Agreeing when I yearned to refuse left me feeling bitter and void.

I thought that with greater discipline, I could cope. But it wasn’t discipline that was the issue—it was my nervous system.

It had learned, long ago, that slowing down invited peril. Thus, it kept me vigilant, pushing, performing, and erasing my own identity—all in pursuit of safety, belonging, approval, and perhaps acceptance.

Understanding Rest as Part of Healing

The revelation struck when I read about trauma and the nervous system. I came to understand that exhaustion and agitation weren’t indicators of laziness or brokenness. They were survival responses. My body wasn’t betraying me—it was safeguarding me, in the only manner it understood.

This realization nurtured something within me. For the first time, I viewed my fatigue not as a defeat, but as a testament to the lengths I’d gone to survive.

If my body could learn to perceive rest as a threat, perhaps it could also relearn to see rest as a refuge.

Gentle Approaches to Make Rest Safer

The transformation didn’t occur overnight. However, gradually, I began inviting rest back into my existence—not as laziness, but as healing.

Here are some methods that assisted me:

1. Begin Small.

Instead of aiming to nap for an hour, I practiced lying down for just five minutes. Only five. Long enough to connect with my body, but not so long as to incite panic. Over time, those five minutes extended.

2. Anchor with Touch.

When rest ignited anxiety, I placed my hand on my chest or stomach. This simple contact served as a reminder: I’m present, I’m secure.

3. Redefine Rest.

I stopped believing that rest had to mean sleep. Rest could involve sitting quietly with tea, gazing at the sky, or enjoying gentle music. It encompassed anything that allowed my nervous system to unwind.

4. Challenge the Narrative.

When my inner critic insisted, “You’re wasting time,” I gently questioned: Is caring for the body that sustains me truly wasteful? Gradually, I began to rewrite that narrative.

What I Have Discovered

Rest remains a challenge for me at times. Occasionally, I lie down, and my chest buzzes as it did before, urging me to rise again. Guilt sometimes whispers that others are accomplishing more, so I should too.

Yet now I comprehend: these sensations don’t signify I’m failing in life. They indicate my body is in the process of unwinding old patterns of survival.

The more I engage in this practice, the more I recognize rest for its true essence:

• A method to reset my nervous system.
• A means to respect my limits.
• An avenue to reclaim the life that people-pleasing had once deprived me of.

I once believed that safety stemmed from doing more. Now I realize that safety begins with ceasing.

Final Reflection

If you’ve ever shunned rest, convinced yourself you couldn’t let go, or felt guilt during attempts to relax, you are not alone. Many of us have nervous systems that equate worth with productivity and safety with fatigue.

But what if the reality is the opposite? What if rest signifies healing, not indulgence? What if slowing down is essential, not selfish?

Initially, rest may not feel instinctive. It might even seem threatening and provoke feelings of anxiety, a drive to resume activity, or a sensation of lagging behind. Yet with gentleness, patience, and compassion, the body can relearn what it has forgotten: that it is safe to pause.

You are not weak for needing to rest. You are human. In a world that prioritizes constant activity, choosing to rest may be the most courageous decision you can make.

**Fostering a Sense of Security in Rest After Years of People-Pleasing**

For many, the path through life is frequently characterized by a need to please others. This inclination, referred to as people-pleasing, can result in chronic stress, burnout, and a weakened sense of identity. After prioritizing the needs of others for years, developing a feeling of safety in rest is vital for healing and personal development. This article presents strategies to create a safe and restorative environment, empowering individuals to reclaim their well-being.

### Understanding the Dynamics of People-Pleasing

People-pleasing behaviors usually stem from a profound fear of rejection or abandonment. Individuals might feel compelled to fulfill others’ expectations, often sacrificing their own needs and desires in the process. This behavior can culminate in fatigue, anxiety, and a disconnect from one’s authentic self. Acknowledging the effects of people-pleasing is the initial step toward establishing a sense of safety in rest.

### The Significance of Rest

Rest is not simply the lack of activity; it is a crucial element of overall health and vitality. It enables both the body and mind to recuperate, revitalize, and restore equilibrium. For those who have spent years in the loop of people-pleasing, rest may feel alien or even threatening. Thus, establishing a secure space for rest becomes essential.

### Techniques for Cultivating Safety in Rest

1. **Set Boundaries**: Establishing clear boundaries is critical to safeguarding personal time and energy. Articulate your limits to others, and practice saying no without remorse. This empowers you to prioritize your needs and form a sanctuary for rest.

2. **Design a Restful Space**: Create a physical area that encourages relaxation. This could be a snug corner of your home adorned with soft lighting, comfortable seating, and soothing decor. Surround yourself with objects that evoke joy and calmness.

3. **Practice Mindfulness**: Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing, can help center you in the present moment. These techniques foster a feeling of safety by alleviating anxiety and promoting a connection to your body.

4. **Engage in Self-Compassion**: Extend to yourself the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Recognize your feelings and experiences without criticism. Self-compassion nurtures a supportive inner dialogue that facilitates rest and healing.

5. **Make Self-Care a Priority**: Integrate self-care activities into your routine that foster relaxation and pleasure. This may include reading, taking relaxing baths, engaging in creative endeavors, or spending time in nature. Prioritizing self-care underscores the necessity of rest.

6. **Limit Social Media and External Pressures**: Social media may intensify feelings of inadequacy and the quest for validation. Consider stepping back from social media and curating your online presence to encompass only uplifting and positive content.

7. **Seek Assistance**: Connecting with a therapist or support group can offer a safe environment to unpack feelings linked to people-pleasing and rest. Professional support can guide you through the intricacies of your experiences and help you cultivate healthier behaviors.

8. **Embrace Imperfection**: Accept that it’s perfectly okay to fall short of everyone’s expectations. Embracing imperfection empowers you to release the need for external validation and fosters a sense of safety in simply being you.

### Conclusion

Fostering a sense of security in rest following years of people-pleasing is a transformative endeavor. By establishing boundaries, creating a supportive atmosphere, and practicing self-compassion, individuals can reclaim their intrinsic right to rest and renewal. This journey not only enhances personal well-being but also deepens the connection to oneself, paving the path for a more genuine and fulfilling existence. Embracing rest is not a luxury; it is an essential component of healing and growth.