Comprehending the Difference Between Employment and Family: An Important Lesson Acquired

Desire to see more content like this? Sign up for the Tiny Buddha mailing list for daily or weekly reflections.

“The irony of trauma is that it possesses the ability to both obliterate and to revitalize and bring forth a new beginning.” ~Peter Levine

I found myself in the conference room at work with the CEO and my male boss, who was abusive.

This was the same boss who had been showering me with attention and manipulating me since I joined nine months prior, gradually pushing my nervous system into an ongoing state of fight-or-flight.

Four months into my role, this boss went on a three-day bender during an overnight work event at a luxurious hotel in Boston.

He missed client meetings or attended them reeking of alcohol, donning the clothes from the previous day.

When I texted him to inquire about his whereabouts, his response was, “I f**king hate you.”

After my CEO discovered this and called me five minutes after I arrived home, I told him I had faith in him to manage the situation as he deemed appropriate.

I truly believed he would. However, over the next five months, the mistreatment continued. I simply wasn’t aware it was mistreatment yet.

His infatuation with me was overwhelming. He frequently expressed:

• “You’re going to earn so much money here.”
• “You possess the ‘it’ factor.”
• “You know my feelings towards you.”
• “I’ll fast-track your progress.”
• “You are a perfect cultural fit.”
• “This has always been your home.”

He uttered everything I longed to hear.

Having spent the prior fifteen years in corporate America, I was searching for a sense of belonging. Wondering where my work family had gone.

Initially, I felt like I had finally discovered it.

Then the focus escalated. What began as friendly check-ins evolved into relentless interruptions. Group Teams chats transformed into direct messages. Work-related texts became personal messages—at night and over weekends.

He invited me and my husband out for dinner. He offered to buy me lunch while overlooking my coworkers. He brought cookies to the office but ensured I knew they were exclusively for me. He highlighted me in meetings and inquired about my well-being while ignoring everyone else.

I reassured myself, “There are worse fates than having your boss like you.” But gradually…I started to feel unsafe.

My body began to emit signals. I suffered panic attacks on Sunday nights. Sleep eluded me. I found myself using PTO just to escape him. My fight-or-flight response was completely triggered, and I had to ultimately face the fact that I was no longer in control.

Eventually, a colleague reported his behavior to the CEO. This brings me back to the conference room.

I was seated opposite the CEO, my body tense, heart racing, yet filled with hope. I anticipated resolution. Support. Justice.

That’s not what transpired.

Whatever the CEO said on that day impacted me in an unforeseen manner. I felt belittled. Judged. Dismissed.

Then my body responded.

The pressure in my chest escalated until I could no longer manage it. I began to shake—full-body, uncontrollable shaking. I attempted to remain still, to act as though nothing was occurring, but it was too late.

There was no concealing it. No evading it.

Just a forty-two-year-old corporate woman, shaking uncontrollably in a conference room in front of the CEO.

I excused myself and dashed to the restroom.

I collapsed on the floor of the public bathroom and wept more intensely than I ever had. My body was expelling the energy within me. I could do nothing but let it flow.

Once the tears diminished, I exited the building as swiftly as possible.

What had just occurred to me?
Why did it feel like a deep gash had opened in my chest?
Why did I feel physically shattered?

It would take nearly a year for me to understand: that was trauma. A new trauma layered atop old trauma.

Nearly twenty years prior, I had been sexually assaulted by a colleague.

I reported it to the authorities, but they did not even take a statement. I was dismissed. Dismissed. Minimized.

My mind had archived this memory. Yet my body remembered.

That incident in the conference room—being in a vulnerable situation, being ignored, unheard, unguarded—triggered a trauma response that had been patiently lying dormant inside me for decades.

My mind couldn’t differentiate between the past and the present. It simply recognized that I wasn’t safe. Thus, it mobilized. It attempted to shield me. And it left me exposed, shut down, and detached from the world—including from my own children—for a prolonged period thereafter.

It was the most challenging period of my life.

Several months after the conference room incident, I found a new job.

Leaving was not an easy task despite everything that had transpired. I enjoyed my job. I excelled at it. My coworkers were my friends, and we had weathered so much together. However, I had become but a shell of my former self, and departing felt like the only path to rediscovering myself.

Still, the first six months in my new position were challenging. I remained hyper-aware and emotionally reactive. Standard feedback and performance reviews transported me right back to that conference room, irrespective of the words spoken.

That’s when I realized: trauma doesn’t stay within the toxic job. It follows you. And this was trauma.

Insights Gained About Trauma

I needed to absorb as much knowledge as possible, so I enrolled in a trauma-informed coaching program and viewed my experiences through that perspective.

From a trauma standpoint, I discovered:

• The brain consistently scans the surroundings for safety and threats, a process dubbed neuroception.
• My brain identified danger in myriad forms during my employment and alerted me through my nervous system.
• I dismissed those signals, persuading myself I could manage it.
• However, the signals—racing heartbeat, sleeplessness, panic, emotional volatility—only grew louder until they became impossible to overlook.

It felt as though my body was waging war against me. In actuality, it was striving to save me.

Trauma is a consequence that arises when your system struggles to process overwhelming distress, leaving a scar behind. Those scars don’t require your consent to exist; they merely need a trigger.

That day in the conference room, numerous unhealed scars emerged simultaneously—sexual trauma, financial trauma, friendship trauma, life purpose trauma, and institutional betrayal trauma.

The emergence of new trauma on top of the old was simply too much for my system to cope with. Thus, my body performed its intended action: to protect me.

Learning this allowed me to shed the shame I had been carrying. It granted me the ability to feel compassion for myself and others.

It shifted my focus from the past to the future.

Insights Gained About Work

While I delved into the topic of trauma, I began to pose broader questions in my new capacity as an HR consultant.

Having never worked in HR previously, I scrutinized every conversation, policy, and process to comprehend how the system functions behind the scenes and to understand my own experience through the employer’s perspective.

Who truly wields the power?
What rights do employees possess?
What obligations do employers have to protect them?

Here’s what I discovered:

• The employment agreement is straightforward—employees consent to execute the duties specified in their job description, and employers agree to compensate them for fulfilling those responsibilities.
• Either party may terminate the agreement at any moment.
• HR and employment attorneys are compensated to defend the company against risk. Period.

That concludes it. Anything above that is discretionary, unless mandated by law.

Work is a contract. It is not a family. It is a system constructed for labor, not affection.

And this system is not immune to exploitation. It is not exempt from trauma.

Just because it’s a professional environment does not mean it’s a secure one. And just because you are a high achiever doesn’t imply you’re immune to harm.

The notion that work is akin to a family, that it ought to foster belonging, meaning, and loyalty, did not arise from nowhere—it reflects how work itself has evolved over time.

Historically, belonging was derived from multiple sources: close-knit communities, extended families, faith traditions, and work often intertwined with local or familial life.

As industrialization drew people into factories, corporations, and offices, many of those community anchors began to wane. To compensate for the loss, workplaces adopted familial language—promising connection and loyalty in exchange for greater amounts of people’s time, energy, and commitment.

For a time, many companies genuinely attempted to meet that commitment with pensions, long-term employment, and reciprocal loyalty between employer and employee.

However, as work has shifted towards a more globalized and transactional nature, that loyalty has diminished. Today, organizations still utilize familial language, but the commitment is reciprocal. When it benefits them, they lean on employees’ dedication; when it doesn’t, the illusion vanishes.

That’s how we recognize work is not family—because families do not withdraw love, belonging, or loyalty the moment it stops serving them.

What Aided My Healing

The encouraging news is that healing is attainable.

For me, healing entailed more than just acquiring knowledge about trauma in an academic setting and HR policies in a corporate environment. It required the incorporation of daily practices into my routine that rebuilt my sense of safety and restored my self-trust. This involved:

Monitoring my nervous system and respecting my body’s reactions to triggers.

I began to notice the subtle signals—a tightened jaw, a racing heart, an unsettled stomach. Instead of pushing through, I learned to pause, breathe, and respond mindfully. These moments of awareness became the cornerstone of reclaiming safety in my own body.

Exploring my past experiences with understanding instead of condemnation.

For years, I thought I had compassion for myself, but it was superficial—more about urging myself to “let it go” than recognizing my lived experiences. It wasn’t until I became conscious of the events that shaped my patterns and behaviors that I truly grasped genuine self-compassion.

Identifying the subconscious behaviors that placed me at risk.

Perfectionism, rationalizing red flags, unhealthy coping strategies—these were patterns I had carried for decades. Gaining awareness of them empowered me to make different choices, rather than repeating the same painful cycles.

Establishing boundaries at work to safeguard my energy and healing.

I learned to say no without feeling guilty, to distance myself from individuals who drained me, and to handle work frustrations without becoming emotionally activated. Boundaries have evolved into an act of self-care.

Honoring the intricacies of the human body and lived experiences.

This was the most challenging lesson of all. I have a body, mind, and nervous system that retain memories of everything I’ve experienced, even the aspects I’ve sought to disregard. My current responsibility is to honor that complexity in every space I enter—including the workplace.

This doesn’t entail conforming to whatever the workplace demands. It signifies prioritizing my well-being first and acknowledging that I am more than a position, a salary, or the approval of others.

It required time, but these practices gradually healed the wound that once left me gasping on the bathroom floor. The gaping wound in my chest has now healed for over a year and has transformed into peace.

The day in the conference room shattered me. Yet, it also pried me open. I rebuilt myself, stronger than ever.

And so can you.

**Recognizing the Separation Between Work and Family: A Crucial Takeaway**

In the current fast-paced environment, the boundaries between professional and familial life often blend, resulting in stress and dissatisfaction in both realms. Acknowledging the difference between work and family is vital for attaining a balanced and fulfilling existence. This article delves into the necessity of identifying these boundaries, the repercussions of their intersection, and approaches for maintaining a healthy divide.

### The Significance of Separation

1. **Mental Well-Being**: Upholding a clear distinction between professional and familial life can greatly influence mental wellness. When individuals let work-related stress invade family life, it may lead to anxiety, irritability, and burnout. On the other hand, introducing family matters into the workplace can obstruct productivity and focus.

2. **Quality Interactions**: Family time is essential for nurturing relationships and creating enduring memories. When work creeps into family moments, it compromises the quality of interactions and may foster feelings of neglect among family members. Valuing family time strengthens bonds and promotes emotional wellness.

3. **Work Efficiency**: A distinct separation can amplify work performance. Employees who can leave work at the workplace often exhibit greater focus and productivity during their working hours. This divide enables better time management and lessens the chances of burnout.

### Implications of Overlap

1. **Tensed Relations**: When work obligations intrude upon family time, it may foster resentment and discord. Family members might feel unappreciated or overlooked, resulting in tangled relationships that can require time to mend.

2. **Diminished Productivity**: Employees preoccupied with family matters during work hours may find it hard to concentrate, leading to reduced productivity. Likewise, those who transport work stress home may have challenges engaging with family members, affecting overall family dynamics.

3. **Amplified Stress**: The failure to compartmentalize work and family can elevate stress levels. This ongoing stress may significantly impact health, leading to anxiety disorders, depression, and physical ailments.

### Techniques for Preserving Separation

1. **Define Boundaries**: Set clear lines between work and home time. This might involve establishing defined work hours and communicating these to colleagues and family members. Utilize tools such as calendars to mark family time and ensure work obligations do not conflict.

2. **Designate a Workspace**: For remote work, allocate a specific area for professional tasks. This physical separation can assist in creating a mental boundary, facilitating a smoother transition from work mode when the day concludes.

3. **Practice Mindfulness**: Engage in mindfulness exercises to help remain present in the moment. Approaches like meditation, deep breathing, or simply pausing can enable individuals to shift from work to family mode more seamlessly.

4. **Foster Open Dialogue**: Encourage transparent communication with family members and colleagues. Discussing expectations and challenges can help alleviate stress and ensure both work and family requirements are met.

5. **Emphasize Self-Care**: Prioritizing self-care is crucial for maintaining equilibrium. Consistent exercise, engaging in hobbies, and allowing downtime can help individuals rejuvenate, making them more effective in both professional and family roles.

### Wrap-Up

Acknowledging the distinction between work and family is an invaluable lesson that facilitates a more harmonious and fulfilling life. By recognizing the significance of maintaining boundaries, being aware of the repercussions of their intersection, and applying methods to keep them distinct, individuals can enhance mental wellness, improve relations, and increase productivity. Ultimately, achieving this equilibrium is beneficial not solely for individuals but also for their families and workplaces, fostering a healthier and more balanced environment for all.