“At times, choosing to walk away is the only way to prevent losing yourself.” ~Unknown
I was in a lull between sessions. My television was playing in the background—something I had only partially watched titled The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on Hulu—as I entered the kitchen to prepare some lunch.
This show explores a group of Mormon wives who gained fame on TikTok and ventured into what they refer to as “soft swing.” In one segment, a young woman confronts her mother, who has a lengthy list of expectations for how her daughter should act. The daughter has been steering clear of church, navigating the looming threat of excommunication, and striving to maintain her freedom without alienating her family.
I found myself captivated, lunch forgotten, as something in the scene resonated with me.
She’s caught between her true self and the need to belong. Isn’t that the essence of being human?
We yearn for connection. It’s ingrained in us, both positively and negatively. However, belonging to a group demands a price. It always has. You adhere to the norms. You hide away the aspects of yourself that don’t conform—sometimes minor details, sometimes significant ones—and in return, you gain acceptance. It’s a trade-off. Just without any cash exchanging hands.
The unspoken understanding is this: earn your spot, conform, and the group will embrace you. It’s a type of token system. An unvoiced loyalty contract. Many of us agree to it before we even know how to comprehend the implications.
I Was in a Cult for Forty-Three Years
It wasn’t a religious cult. There were no robes, no enclaves, no charismatic leader soliciting your bank savings. It was more subtle and widespread than that.
It was known as the cult of people. The cult of people is the one into which most of us are born.
It consists of the incessant clamor of others’ needs, viewpoints, and expectations.
It’s the act of creating connections—the pursuit of external approval, the compulsion to be liked, needed, included.
It’s structuring your entire internal existence around what those around you can accept.
It’s reducing yourself to be small enough, palatable enough, agreeable enough to maintain harmony and retain relationships.
For forty-three years, I was a committed participant. I was unaware of my involvement. That’s how cults operate.
Seven Years of Deprogramming
Close to seven years ago, I began to break away. Not on purpose, initially. It happened as a consequence of things beyond my control—the pandemic, raising a child with special needs mostly alone, and the gradual, unglamorous journey of therapy. For the first time, I began to recognize just how much striving, earning, and contorting I had engaged in my entire life. How much of my true self I had hidden away to remain connected to those who required me to be manageable.
I no longer wished to earn my place. But I was uncertain about what or who I would become if I stopped.
So I discovered it.
Seven years of tears. Of an abyss of loneliness. Of intense anxiety attacks in the midst of mundane days. Of unexpected heartbreaks and losses. Of witnessing my social circle diminish and grappling with the terrifying question of whether I had somehow caused that. Of experiencing moments where I felt as if I were in hell.
I don’t wish to portray this as a beautiful journey, because it hasn’t been. But it has certainly been significant. And it has not been in vain.
What Deprogramming Actually Looks Like
In actual cults, deprogramming necessitates distance. You must separate yourself from the group that has demanded your self-alienation—physically, emotionally, sometimes permanently—before you can begin to perceive the environment you were immersed in. The same principle applies here.
As you begin to distance yourself from the cult of people, several things occur.
Firstly, it may appear as though there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You grow quieter. You cease performing. You reject the invitations you previously accepted out of duty. Your circle diminishes. The individuals around you—still entrenched in the cult—fail to grasp your transformation, and some may take it personally. Because within the cult, pulling away is the most threatening action you can take. The cult relies on your involvement for sustenance.
However, something else transpires as well. Since you have already been abandoned by those who couldn’t accompany you on your journey to honesty, the sting of abandonment is lessened. You cease deceiving yourself to maintain connection. You begin to recognize the silent contracts you’ve established throughout your life—all the ways you have made compromises with the group, traded parts of yourself for belonging, and labeled it love.
You start to gain clarity. And it turns out, clarity is both a gift and a source of sorrow in this entire process.
The Both/And of It
This is what nobody informs you about leaving the cult of people: it doesn’t initially feel like liberation. It feels like loss. It feels like isolation. It feels like you’ve made a grave mistake.
And concurrently, beneath all that, something else is emerging. Something quieter and more solid. A self that isn’t putting on an act. A voice you can genuinely rely on. An inner compass that functions because it isn’t muddled by external influences.
This embodies the both/and that true healing looks like—not either/or, not broken or whole, not lost or discovered. Both. Happening at once. Breaking down and breaking through simultaneously. Sad and yearning while also, deep down, understanding you deserve better. Making all the right choices yet still witnessing disintegration. Listening to the critical voices in your mind and still—still—embracing the younger version of yourself with compassion.
That isn’t weakness. That’s what it genuinely means to be human amid the journey of becoming more authentic.
The Road to Freedom
I’m not entirely deprogrammed. I’m unsure if that’s even the goal. I still experience loneliness. I occasionally feel the urge to earn my way back into spaces that have cost me dearly. I still grieve the relationships that couldn’t endure my effort to become more authentic.
However, I’m more at ease with the sadness than I once was. It no longer frightens me as it used to. I’ve learned to sit with myself in a manner I couldn’t in the past—not because the discomfort vanished, but because I stopped fleeing from it.
This is what I understand now: the same realization that tells you no one will come to your rescue is precisely what affirms that no one can hinder you. The solitude that felt like abandonment is, in fact, the open path. When you cease organizing your life around what the group can endure, you start to discern—perhaps for the first time—what you genuinely desire. Who you truly are. What you are truly capable of.
That isn’t merely a consolation prize.
That’s the path to freedom.
About Allison Briggs
Allison Jeanette Briggs is a therapist, writer, and speaker with a focus on aiding women in healing from codependency, childhood trauma, and emotional neglect. She combines psychological insights with spiritual depth to guide clients and readers towards self-trust, boundaries, and authentic connections. Allison is the author of the forthcoming memoir On Being Real: Healing the Codependent Heart of a Woman and shares reflections on healing, resilience, and inner freedom at on-being-real.com.
**Comprehending the Cult of People and Its Impact on Freedom**
The idea of the “Cult of People” signifies a sociocultural phenomenon where individuals or groups place an undue emphasis on the collective identity and the perceived desires of the majority, frequently at the expense of personal rights and liberties. This article examines the traits of this cult-like mentality, its historical background, and the ramifications it has for personal freedoms and societal frameworks.
### Attributes of the Cult of People
1. **Collectivism Over Individualism**: The Cult of People prioritizes the needs and wants of the group over individual rights. This can manifest in numerous ways, including political movements, social organizations, and even religious sects that advocate a singular ideology.
2. **Charismatic Leadership**: Typically, these groups are overseen by charismatic leaders who assert they represent the collective voice. These figures can manipulate public sentiment, fostering a strong emotional bond among followers that promotes loyalty and conformity.
3. **Groupthink**: Within the Cult of People, alternative opinions are often discouraged or completely silenced. This leads to a phenomenon known as groupthink, where critical thinking is sacrificed in favor of harmony and agreement, resulting in poor decision-making.
4. **Us vs. Them Mentality**: Members of the cult frequently regard outsiders with skepticism or animosity. This creates a division that can result in intolerance and discrimination against those who do not align with the group’s beliefs.
5. **Ritualistic Practices**: Many cult-like organizations engage in rituals that reinforce their beliefs and enhance group unity. These practices can range from regular gatherings to elaborate ceremonies that celebrate the group’s ideology.
### Historical Context
The Cult of People is rooted in various historical movements, from authoritarian regimes to populist revolts. Noteworthy examples include:
– **Totalitarian States**: Regimes such as Nazi Germany and Stalinist Russia exemplified the perils of the Cult of People, where the state demanded complete loyalty and suppressed individual freedoms for the benefit of a collective ideology.
– **Religious Movements**: Certain religious sects have also displayed cult-like traits, where adherents are expected to conform to stringent doctrines and practices, often resulting in the diminishment of personal freedoms.
– **Modern Political Movements**: In today’s society, numerous political movements can be viewed as reflecting the Cult of People mentality, where populist leaders galvanize support by appealing to the masses’ emotions, frequently at the expense of rational dialogue.
### Ramifications for Freedom
The ascendance of the Cult of People presents significant challenges to individual freedoms:
1. **Erosion of Personal Rights**: As the collective identity takes precedence, individual rights may be jeopardized. Laws and regulations may be enacted that favor the desires of the majority, overshadowing minority rights and freedoms.
2. **Suppression of Dissent**: The Cult of People often cultivates an atmosphere where dissent is unwelcome. This suppression can hinder creativity, innovation, and critical analysis, all of which are vital for a thriving society.
3. **Manipulation of Public Sentiment**: Charismatic leaders can capitalize on the emotions of the masses, leading to manipulation and misinformation. This can create a populace that is easily influenced by populist rhetoric instead of informed discourse.
4. **Polarization of Society**: The us vs. them mentality fosters discord within society, rendering it challenging to reach agreement on vital issues. This polarization can result in conflict and a breakdown of social cohesion.
5. **Threat to Democracy**: In democratic settings, the Cult of People can undermine the principles of democracy by elevating the majority’s desires above the rights of the individual, potentially leading to a tyranny of the majority.
### Conclusion
Comprehending the Cult of People is essential for safeguarding individual freedoms in an increasingly collectivist world. Recognizing the indicators of this mentality can help individuals and societies resist the temptation of conformity and uphold a dedication to personal liberties. As history has demonstrated, the balance between collective identity and individual rights is fragile, and vigilance is crucial to preserve the freedoms that support democratic societies.