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“Sometimes people hurt us because they are hurting, and tell us we’re flawed because that’s how they feel, but we don’t have to accept that.” ~Lori Deschene
Growing older and healing doesn’t make you immune to moments that can transport you back to the childhood trauma you faced. It doesn’t imply that you’re flawed, but rather that there is still a chance for further healing. Nothing is fundamentally “wrong” with you.
Here are some reminders to preserve your identity when toxic shame from your past clouds your judgment.
1. Remember that in many situations, you are drawn to individuals because of what they evoke in you, whether positive or negative. If they incite more shame than love, you may still have personal work to do.
2. While it might seem that enduring turmoil with someone else provides companionship, sometimes the nature of that companionship can derail your progress. Be selective about whom you choose to endure spiritual battles with.
3. Even if you are somewhat unhealed or a little broken (you’re human, after all), that should never justify someone giving you the silent treatment or financially manipulating you.
4. You are better off postponing the search for a meaningful relationship until you possess a clear understanding of who you are and what you will and will not accept.
5. Enduring pain does not equate to love. It equates to suffering. Choose wisely!
These are principles I wish had been clearer to me while navigating this murky path back to myself. My greatest regret was how long I remained in this relationship because of the self-doubt and self-hatred weighing on me.
Life is fleeting, and we shouldn’t accept cruelty simply because we still have healing to undertake. We don’t need to be entirely healed to deserve kindness and emotional safety.
Conclusion
The influence of past traumas on self-doubt in unhealthy relationships is significant and intricate. Understanding this connection can empower individuals to seek healing and escape destructive patterns. By addressing the underlying trauma and striving towards self-acceptance, individuals can forge the path for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.