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“You are not just a drop in the ocean. You are the whole ocean in a drop.” —Rumi
The closing days of the year felt perfect for letting go. I stood in my backyard, surrounded by twenty-five years of journals—bulky notebooks filled with prayers, confessions, and late-night ruminations—prepared to send them to the flames.
I wasn’t being theatrical. I was being intentional. I stopped daily journaling several years back.
For years, these journals served as an inner courtroom, continuously building a case against myself or others. Every page was loaded with proof of failures, demonstrating my astonishing ability to gaslight myself. I could shrink or change into whatever was requested for someone else’s comfort.
Small floral booklets chronicling all the ways I failed to get “it” right.
I believed I was processing. In reality, I was prosecuting.
But something odd occurred as I flipped through them for the last time. The first journal opened with the fervent prayers of a fifteen-year-old devoted Christian girl, pleading with God to show her the way. The last one concluded with a forty-year-old woman seeking guidance from her spirit guides. Different words. Different cosmic addresses. Same desperate energy.
I was perpetually requesting someone else—something else—to save me.
Across decades, births, relocations, career shifts, and various spiritual identities, one theme remained unwavering: I wrote as though I was ensnared in a universe I couldn’t control. My words depicted me as a bystander in my own life, observing choices I couldn’t comprehend, powerless against forces I couldn’t name.
Please help me stop doing this.
Why does this keep happening to me?
I don’t understand why I can’t change.
When will the perfect thing I truly need arrive?
Every entry cemented the same narrative: something outside of me was orchestrating events. Be it God, the Universe, my Higher Self, energy, or my spirit guides, I engaged with it in the same manner—as a helpless child pleading with a parent for morsels of control over my own existence.
I was unaware I was doing this. That’s the sneaky aspect of spiritual bypassing cloaked as devotion. It feels sacred. It feels humble. It feels like surrender.
However, there lies a distinction between surrender and relinquishment.
When Spirituality Turns into Disempowerment
Last year, I joined a shamanic training program. Of all the courses I’d ever taken, it was undoubtedly my favorite. My mentor identified something in our very first session that I had been blind to for years. She listened to me describe my spiritual practice—my daily prayers, my readings, my search for signs—and simply stated: “You’re relating to the spiritual realm as though you have no agency.”
I bristled. Wasn’t that the goal? Wasn’t I meant to make requests to the heavens? That’s a pretty central theme across the vast array of ways I’ve engaged with forces beyond myself.
“Prayer isn’t synonymous with powerlessness,” she said. “You’re permitted to ask for what you want. You’re allowed to make choices. You’re called to be a leader and director in your own life, even when you believe in something greater than you.”
Throughout the ensuing months, I revisited this concept repeatedly. I paused each time I slipped into the familiar language of victimhood—if it’s meant to happen, it will happen; I’m just waiting for confirmation; the Universe will reveal when it’s time to go or stay.
“You’re the one living your life,” Chris reminded me. “Not the Universe. Not your guides. You.”
Revisiting those journals with new perspectives, I could see how this central disempowerment influenced everything. Every relationship I lingered in too long because “maybe this is my lesson.” Every chance I passed by because I was “waiting for divine timing.” Every aspiration I postponed because I didn’t receive the easy and clear direction to begin.
I had delegated my decision-making to the cosmos. And the cosmos, in its infinite wisdom, had seemingly resolved I should remain ensnared in patterns that didn’t benefit me, asking the same questions, making the same errors, waiting for permission to live differently.
The truth is simpler and more frightening: I was waiting for permission from myself.
When You Stop Inquiring and Start Choosing
The shift didn’t occur instantly. It commenced with small, uncomfortable demonstrations of agency.
Instead of inquiring of my cards whether I should pursue a new opportunity, I asked myself what I genuinely desired. Instead of praying for clarity concerning a challenging relationship, I acknowledged what I already understood about my needs. Instead of anticipating a sign that it was time to alter course, I enacted the change.
Initially, all my old anxieties resurfaced. Who was I to decide? Who was I to desire specific outcomes? Who was I to act without cosmic endorsement?
But gradually, I began to realize: spirituality doesn’t necessitate me to be diminutive. Faith doesn’t equate to relinquishing my will. Believing in something beyond myself doesn’t imply I must disregard my own significance.
I could respect the mystery and still make choices. I could have faith in divine timing and still take action. I could yield control over results while claiming full accountability for my choices.
So I incinerated the journals.
I didn’t read every page. I didn’t need to revisit every crisis or cringe at every desperate appeal. I’d already absorbed their messages. I had been articulating it for decades: Save me. Repair me. Guide me. Provide what I need.
As I watched the pages curl, I contemplated what I wanted to document in my actual life in the year ahead. Not prayers to external entities. Not pleas for rescue. Not evidence for the prosecution.
Simply truth. My truth. The messy, imperfect, often excessive yet still empowering truth of a woman who finally comprehends that she is entitled to choose her own life—even while honoring forces beyond her comprehension.
I remain spiritual. I still have faith in magic, in mystery, in realities beyond my understanding. But I no longer connect with the sacred from a standpoint of powerlessness. I pray differently now—not as a supplicant, but as a collaborator. I seek support, not salvation. I look for signs, but I don’t rely on them to grant me permission to live.
Because here’s what I’ve discovered: the Universe doesn’t seek my submission. It desires my engagement.
And I’m finally prepared to participate.
About Christina Lane
Christina Lane is a writer and somatic coach. You can take her new archetypes quiz, which will guide you to your primary and non-dominant archetypes and their best matches here: www.christinalanecoaching.com/email. We can learn so much more about how our personality blends best with the personality of others through lenses like archetype work!
**The Hidden Consequences of Depending on the Universe Instead of Self-Trust**
In recent times, the idea of “trusting the universe” has gained traction, especially within self-help and spiritual communities. This mantra suggests that individuals should relinquish control and let the universe chart their course. While this belief can promote a sense of calm and alleviate anxiety, it also has hidden ramifications, particularly regarding self-trust and personal responsibility.
**1. Diminished Personal Accountability**
One of the most notable repercussions of relying on the universe is the potential loss of personal accountability. When people attribute their successes and setbacks to external factors, they may overlook the necessity of owning their choices and actions. This can foster a passive approach to life, where individuals await opportunities to arise rather than actively chasing their ambitions. Over time, this viewpoint can impede personal development and maturation, as individuals may become less willing to learn from failures or take initiative.
**2. Weakened Self-Efficacy**
Self-efficacy, or belief in one’s capacity to succeed, is vital for realizing personal and professional ambitions. When individuals heavily depend on the universe, they may commence doubting their own abilities. This reduction in self-efficacy can lead to diminished motivation and an aversion to venturing beyond their comfort zones. Consequently, individuals may miss valuable experiences and opportunities that could foster personal growth and satisfaction.
**3. Heightened Anxiety and Uncertainty**
While trusting the universe can initially provide solace, it can also spur increased anxiety and uncertainty. When individuals place their destiny in the hands of external forces, they may feel powerless in confronting obstacles. This can establish a cycle of anxiety, as individuals wrestle with life’s unpredictabilities. Instead of cultivating coping mechanisms and resilience, they may become overly reliant on external validation or signs, resulting in a heightened sense of insecurity.
**4. Disconnection from Personal Values and Goals**
Relying on the universe can occasionally lead to a disconnection from personal values and ambitions. When people focus on what the universe has planned for them, they might overlook their own wishes and aspirations. This can culminate in a lack of direction and purpose, as individuals drift through life without a clear sense of what they genuinely desire. Over time, this neglect can spawn feelings of dissatisfaction and unfulfillment.
**5. Impaired Decision-Making Abilities**
Effective decision-making is a crucial skill requiring practice and introspection. When individuals consistently default to the universe for guidance, they may weaken their decision-making capabilities. This reliance can result in indecision and a lack of confidence in their choices. As individuals become adapted to waiting for signs or signals, they may find it challenging to make informed decisions grounded in their values and experiences.
**6. Strained Relationships**
The belief in trusting the universe can also affect interpersonal relationships. When individuals prioritize external guidance over their instincts and feelings, they may struggle to communicate effectively with others. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, as individuals may become less sensitive to their own needs and those of others. Healthy relationships frequently necessitate a balance of self-trust and mutual respect, which can be compromised when one party relies exclusively on external forces.
**Conclusion**
While the concept of trusting the universe can provide comfort and a sense of surrender, it’s crucial to acknowledge the potential repercussions of this mindset. A decline in personal accountability, weakened self-efficacy, heightened anxiety, disconnection from personal values, impaired decision-making abilities, and strained relationships are just a few of the hidden consequences that can arise from relying excessively on external influences. Fostering self-trust and accepting responsibility for one’s life can lead to greater fulfillment, resilience, and personal development. Balancing trust in the universe with a strong sense of self can empower individuals to navigate life’s challenges with confidence and clarity.