Coping Techniques for Dealing with Disappointment When Reality Falls Short of Anticipations

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“What will disrupt your life the most is the image you hold in your mind of how things should be.” ~Unknown

I anticipated getting accepted into college. I envisioned carving out a career after putting in substantial effort and that one day I’d meet a wonderful guy and we would tie the knot. We’d acquire our first home together and start a family, selecting a crib and the baby’s “going home” outfit while organizing a stash of diapers. More children would follow, along with family vacations, and we would grow old side by side.

I expected that eventually, I’d care for him until his last breath, and after that, I’d join a travel group with other retired women. My grown children would visit for dinner, and we would take an annual family trip with the grandchildren. That’s how I envisioned my life.

I had a straightforward perception of life. You progress from point A to B to C, and so forth. You do what is expected and strive hard. It seemed quite simple, life with these anticipations. Follow the guidelines, and enjoy your dessert.

Spoiler alert: Life was that straightforward only until the universe pulled the rug out from under me.

It was an unremarkable school day when everything fell apart. These kinds of events typically occur on the most ordinary days.

Both my husband and I were educators, rising before dawn to start our routine of preparing breakfast and lunch. Next, we would round up the kids, dress them, and get them ready to go, which felt akin to herding cats. He would drop them off at their respective places, and I would collect them afterward.

Throughout all of that, we worked, attended meetings, ran errands, took care of the kids, prepared dinners, and managed all the usual components of family life.

Except on that ordinary day, none of it transpired.

On April 27, 2016, I awoke to find my husband dying on the living room floor. Out of nowhere, in a split second, the life I anticipated vanished.

I never contemplated the possibility of becoming a thirty-four-year-old widow with a one-year-old whom I was still nursing, a three-year-old barely using full sentences, and a six-year-old just two months shy of his kindergarten graduation.

I was thrust into an alternate reality of convoluted, tangled grief, and it was in this new existence that I painfully recognized that the life I had known, the life that was comfortable and familiar, had ended.

My husband and I had meticulously planned for each of our children down to their birth dates. We even had plans for our fourth child, the one who would never be.

But now, I was a single mother. A widow.

It feels somewhat embarrassing to admit, but during this time, I was not only grieving the loss of my husband. Yes, I missed him to the extent that I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I spent my days in exile, unsure of where I belonged. The monotony of my new life as a single mother wore me down to my core. The loneliness within created a painful void that felt insurmountable; the unfairness of this cosmic twist of fate made me want to surrender more times than I would prefer to acknowledge.

Yet there was something else I mourned: the loss of the life I had anticipated living. My shattered expectations. The trajectory of my existence that had changed forever, now heading into an unknown future that felt as if it would surely end me.

We hope our lives will unfold the way we envision in our dreams and desires. When life strays from our plans, reconciling the disappointment of our new reality can be challenging. Resistance is our first instinct. We resist believing or accepting the change.

This wasn’t the life I had chosen. I deserved something better, I thought. “This” felt entirely unfair. Surely worse people who were more deserving of this calamity existed—so why me? I latched onto those thoughts and allowed them to sink me deeper into despair. The resistance might have ignited the darker aspects of my grief.

It’s a disappointing, humiliating realization when you come to understand that you never truly had complete control. It feels like you were deceived. All those years spent with your first-world blinders on, believing you could meticulously plan every moment. It was quaint while it lasted. Now it just seemed foolish.

I recognized what expectations truly were.

Nothing.

My expectations were never substantial. They were simply thoughts swirling in my mind. Assumptions. Desires. Never guaranteed.

It had always been like that, but for me, it had existed on a minor level. Minor disappointments, like not landing the job I thought was meant for me. A relationship that dissolved. Missing out on a house bid. I never prepared myself for the genuine disappointments in life. Earth-shattering disappointments that reduce your world to rubble and introduce you to your new constant companion: pain.

We often believe that the bad things we hear about happen only to others. We know they exist, but they seem abstract, like something that could never enter our reality.

Until they do.

I recall how frustrated my husband would get when I was scrolling through Facebook, lamenting that someone got a new car, or how in love a couple appeared to be, and pondering why we couldn’t travel to Hawaii like others.

“Everyone puts their best face forward on Facebook,” Kenneth would tell me. “It doesn’t signify anything.”

“No,” I insisted, shaking my head. “So-and-so and so-and-so are head-over-heels in love. Just look at how passionate they are. Why can’t we hold hands like that?”

“We have three kids under five,” he replied, rolling his eyes.

I wish Kenneth had lived long enough to see that the so-and-so’s ended up divorcing. He would have told me, “I told you so.” And for once, I would have gladly conceded that he was right.

It’s memories like those that I like to cherish. Life can’t be purely horrible or purely wonderful as it appears in my imagination. There has to be a middle ground.

When I experience extremes of emotion, I have to remind myself of this. They’re simply thoughts in my mind. Sandcastles made of feelings, and those sandcastles are washed away when the tide comes in and a new day dawns. It’s not about being good or bad. It just is.

My expectations are something I’ve had to confront throughout my life. I have always held high expectations for myself. Failure wasn’t meant to exist. As a widow, I found myself struggling in a new reality where I often felt like I was failing. Truly unable to do what I once could.

I was no longer the same mother to my children. This new version of me had less time and patience. She was more fatigued, overworked, and in pain. I had to adjust to the constraints of my new life. My disappointment gathered within me like toxic waste. Nothing I did seemed sufficient. I didn’t feel adequate. These are all incredibly damaging sentiments to carry when already submerged in grief.

But there’s only so much time you can spend sinking deeper into despair. One day you arrive at the realization that you’re no longer falling; you’ve actually hit the bottom. There you are, alone with your despair, so tired of yourself that you can no longer tolerate your own negative thoughts. You can’t endure even one more second of it.

This is your chance to stand up, dust yourself off, and begin anew.

When the turmoil subsides and you find a moment of peace, you can start to think objectively about your life. Your new life.

I discerned what was wrong with me. My issue, I concluded, stemmed from my expectations. They were the underlying reason for my despair.

I expected a long life with my husband, even though he was always a mortal man who wasn’t promised to be mine forever. I anticipated many things, except that the only certainty in life is: We are only guaranteed today. Yesterday is finished. Tomorrow is a mystery.

I understood I desired to live as fully as possible. I wanted a life that was fulfilling, hopeful, joyful, and meaningful. I would need to adapt my expectations to attain that. Completely eliminating expectations was unattainable. I’m merely human. Besides, expectations do have their role. They’ve aided me in life, and they’ve also harmed me.

The middle ground, I resolved, was discovering “flexible expectations.” I couldn’t afford to be rigid in my mindset. I wanted to maintain standards and goals, but I needed to allow for the inevitability that life wouldn’t always go as planned.

I had to cultivate resilience and develop strategies for my setbacks. I needed to adopt a long-term viewpoint and not perceive each moment in my life as the ultimate high or low. I had to lessen my attachment to a predefined way of living.

You come to realize that in a world filled with uncontrollable circumstances, the most powerful means of defense that you can completely control is your thought process.

Your mindset.

Your outlook. Is that glass half-full or half-empty? You decide.

Your way of thinking is your resilience. Your capacity to rise again and shake off the dust. The understanding that life is worth living, not only in joyful moments but also in struggles, pain, and heartbreak, is why you persevere.

Perhaps my expectations never deceived me after all. Perhaps they were meant to be one of my greatest teachers in life.

Around one year after my husband’s passing, I sat down and compiled a list of “good” and “bad” aspects from the last year. The time had rushed by so quickly that I felt the need to revisit the details. I expected a pity party as I reflected on the awful experiences.

The bad: my husband passed away. Single.

The good: new friendships, a caring community that supported us in our time of need, trips to Japan, Italy, and Denmark, reconnecting with an old friend after eleven years, being more productive than ever with my writing, my children being joyful and well-adjusted little individuals, having a comfortable home, enjoying a job that didn’t feel like work, being healthy, and a multitude of other positives. I kept adding new things to the list.

It was quite revealing. We tend to dwell on the negative. My mind wanted to revert to the darkest moments of the past year. But on rereading the list, it became clear that the year was not solely filled with negativity. There were numerous bright spots during the most challenging year of my life.

Mooji said, “Feelings are just visitors. Let them arrive and depart.”

I try to always keep that in mind.

It’s perfectly fine to feel awful. You’re not broken for feeling that way. Just don’t allow yourself to become attached to those feelings. There will be days when existence feels insurmountable. You’ll experience pain, loneliness, and fear that induce suffering. None of it defines who you are, nor does it indicate what your future holds. They are merely temporary visitors.

When feelings come to visit me, I acknowledge the pain. I hunker down. Perhaps I clear my schedule. I lower my productivity expectations. I grant myself permission to rest while letting the thoughts flow by. Then, I move forward. It’s not so much that you ever forget the pain, but moving on is a way to compartmentalize it so it does not consume you.

Eighteen months later, I’ve transformed into a different person than who I was before my husband’s death. It’s not the life I initially envisioned, but in many ways, I lead a more intentional life filled with choices. There’s a degree of excitement in what I refer to as my “renaissance.” There are no strict guidelines. You simply live as authentically as you can, with what you possess, doing your best—that’s all. No secrets.

Everything you need to endure is already within you, and this realization is liberating.

# Coping Strategies for Handling Disappointment When Life Strays from Expectations

Disappointment is an unavoidable aspect of life. Whether it results from unmet personal ambitions, unsuccessful relationships, or unforeseen life changes, feelings of sadness, frustration, and anger can become overwhelming. However, adopting effective coping strategies can assist individuals in navigating these turbulent emotions and building resilience. Here are several strategies to consider when confronting disappointment.

## 1. Recognize Your Emotions

The initial step in dealing with disappointment is to recognize and embrace your emotions. It’s a natural response to feel upset when circumstances don’t unfold as anticipated. Allow yourself to experience these feelings without self-judgment. Journaling can serve as a valuable tool for processing your thoughts and emotions, offering clarity and a safe outlet for expression.

## 2. Shift Your Perspective

Reframing entails altering your outlook on the situation. Rather than perceiving disappointment as a defeat, view it as a chance for growth and learning. Ask yourself what lessons can be gleaned from the experience. This shift can help you concentrate on the positives and lessen feelings of helplessness.

## 3. Establish Realistic Expectations

Disappointment can often stem from setting unrealistic expectations. It’s crucial to assess your goals and ensure they are attainable. Break larger objectives into smaller, manageable tasks, and celebrate minor triumphs along the way. This strategy can help you stay motivated and mitigate the risk of disappointment.

## 4. Cultivate Self-Compassion

Show kindness to yourself during periods of disappointment. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same empathy and understanding that you would extend to a friend. Remind yourself that everyone faces setbacks and it’s completely fine to feel disappointed. Engage in self-care practices that enhance your well-being, such as exercising, meditating, or spending time with loved ones.

## 5. Seek Assistance

Discussing your feelings with friends, family, or a therapist can bring relief and perspective. Sharing your experiences can help you feel less alone and more understood. Support groups, whether in-person or online, can also provide a sense of community and shared experience.

## 6. Concentrate on What You Can Influence

Disappointment often arises from circumstances beyond our control. Instead of fixating on what cannot be altered, concentrate on what you can change. Identify actionable steps you can take to improve your situation or prevent similar disappointments in the future. This proactive approach can empower you and foster a sense of autonomy.

## 7. Participate in Positive Activities

Engaging in pleasurable activities can help alleviate feelings of disappointment. Whether it’s pursuing a hobby, volunteering, or immersing yourself in nature, participating in positive experiences can shift your attention and enhance your mood. Surround yourself with positivity and seek out uplifting experiences.

## 8. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness involves being present in the moment and accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can assist in managing stress and anxiety related to disappointment. By nurturing awareness, you can better navigate your emotions and diminish the impact of negative thoughts.

## 9. Set New Objectives

After processing your disappointment, contemplate establishing new goals. This can provide a sense of direction and purpose. Ensure these goals are practical and resonate with your values. Creating a plan to achieve these goals can help you regain a sense of control and motivation.

## 10. Reflect on the Experience

Lastly, take time to reflect on the experience of disappointment. What contributed to the outcome? What could you do differently in the future? Gaining insights from disappointment can aid in developing resilience and preparing for future challenges. Embrace the concept that setbacks are a natural part of existence and can foster personal growth.

## Conclusion

Disappointment is a common experience, but our reactions to it can greatly influence our emotional health. By utilizing these coping strategies, individuals can navigate their sentiments, learn from their experiences, and ultimately emerge stronger. Understand that feeling disappointed is okay, but equally important is taking proactive measures toward healing and personal development.