Coping Techniques for Dealing with Disappointment When Life Doesn’t Match Expectations

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“What messes you up the most in life is the image in your mind of how things are meant to be.” ~Unknown

I anticipated entering college. I anticipated a career following diligent effort, and that one day I’d find a wonderful partner and we would marry. We would purchase our first home together and begin a family, selecting a crib and the baby’s “going home” outfit while organizing a drawer filled with diapers. We’d have more children, go on vacations, and grow old side by side.

I expected that one day I would care for him until his last breath, and afterward, I’d join a travel group with other retired women. My adult children would visit for dinner, and we would take annual family trips with the grandchildren. That was how I envisioned my life.

I had a straightforward perspective of life. You move from point A to B to C, and so forth. You do what is expected, and you put in the effort. With these expectations, life seemed straightforward. Follow the recipe and then enjoy your dessert.

Spoiler alert: Life was that simple only until the universe yanked the rug from under me.

It was an unremarkable school day when my world crumbled. Such events typically occur on mundane days.

My spouse and I were both educators, rising before dawn to start our routine of breakfast and lunch preparations. After that, we would wrestle with the kids, dressing them and preparing for departure, akin to herding cats. Then, he would drop them off at their designated locations. I would collect everyone after school.

In between, we worked, attended meetings, ran errands, bathed the children, prepared meals, and managed the usual moving parts of home life.

Except on that ordinary day, none of it transpired.

On April 27, 2016, I awoke to find my husband dying on the living room floor. Out of nowhere, in an instant, the life I envisioned vanished.

I never entertained the notion of becoming a thirty-four-year-old widow with a one-year-old still nursing, a three-year-old who barely spoke in full sentences, and a six-year-old just two months shy of his kindergarten graduation.

I was plunged into a different reality of confused, tangled sorrow, and in this new space, I painfully realized that the life I had known, the one that was familiar and comforting to me, was over.

My husband and I had planned each of our children’s arrivals down to the specifics. We even had number four, the one who would never come to be, marked on our calendar.

But now, I was a single parent. A widow.

It’s somewhat shameful to confess, but during this period, I wasn’t merely mourning my husband. Of course, I missed him to the point where eating became difficult. Sleeping was elusive. I spent my days in isolation, lost without a sense of belonging. The grind of my new life as a single parent wore me down to my core. The profound loneliness within created a painful emptiness that felt insurmountable; the injustice of this cosmic roll of the dice made me yearn to give up more times than I care to acknowledge.

But there was something else I mourned: the life I thought I would lead. My shattered expectations. The course of my life that had been radically changed, now heading into an unknown future that seemed certain to destroy me.

We envision our lives unfolding as we dream them to be. When life deviates from our plans, reconciling our disappointment with this new reality can be challenging. Resistance becomes our first line of defense. We refuse to accept the change.

This wasn’t the life I selected. I deserved something better, I believed. “This” felt so unfair. Surely, there were individuals who were more deserving of such hardship than I was—so why me? I clung to these thoughts, allowing them to sink me further into despair. This resistance may have been the trigger for the darker aspects of grief.

It’s a disappointing, humiliating realization when you come to understand that you never truly had complete control. It feels as though you’ve been deceived. All those years spent with first-world blinders, thinking you could plan every aspect. It seemed charming while it lasted; now, it felt foolish.

I came to recognize what expectations really were.

Nothing.

My expectations were never real. They were merely thoughts in my mind. Assumptions. Desires. Never certainties.

This had always been the case, but for me, it had been on a smaller scale. Minor disappointments, like not securing a job I believed I wanted. A relationship that ended. Losing a bid on a house. I was never prepared for genuine disappointment in life. Earth-shattering disappointment that causes your world to crumble and introduces you to your new constant companion: pain.

We often believe that the negative things we hear about only happen to others. We acknowledge that they exist, but not in our own lives. Just an abstract issue happening elsewhere.

Until it strikes us.

I recall how frustrated my husband would get when he’d find me scrolling Facebook, lamenting that someone had acquired a new car, or how in love a couple appeared, and why couldn’t we be going to Hawaii like them?

“Everyone showcases their best on Facebook,” Kenneth would tell me. “It doesn’t mean much.”

“No,” I retorted, shaking my head. “Those two are madly in love. Look at their chemistry. Why don’t we hold hands like that?”

“We have three kids under five,” he replied, rolling his eyes.

I wish Kenneth had lived long enough to hear that those couples divorced. He would have told me, “I told you so.” And for once, I would have willingly agreed with him.

It’s memories like these that I lean into. Life cannot be as dreadful or as wonderful as it seems in my mind. There must be a middle ground.

When I experience an extreme emotion, I remind myself of this. It’s merely thoughts swirling in my mind. Sandcastles erected from feelings, and sandcastles get washed away when the tide shifts and a new day arrives. It’s not about being good or bad. It simply is.

My expectations have been something I’ve navigated throughout my life. I’ve always held high standards for myself. Failure was never meant to be a reality. As a widow, I found myself struggling in a new landscape where I felt I was perpetually failing. Truly incapable of doing what I once could.

I wasn’t the same parent to my children. This new version of me had less time and patience. She was more exhausted, overwhelmed, and in pain. I had to learn to cope with the limitations of my new reality. My disappointment simmered inside me like poison. Nothing I accomplished was sufficient. I wasn’t enough. Those sentiments are quite toxic to harbor while already drowning in sorrow.

But there’s only so much time one can spend sinking deeper into despair. One day, you come to realize that you are no longer in freefall but have indeed hit rock bottom. There you lie, alone with your anguish, so fed up with yourself that you can’t even endure your own negative thoughts anymore. You can’t bear another second of it.

This is your moment to rise, cleanse yourself, and begin anew.

When despair ceases to roar in your ears and you find a moment of tranquility, you can start to reflect objectively on your life. Your new life.

I realized what ailed me. My issue, I concluded, stemmed from my expectations. They were the root of my despair.

I envisioned a long future with my husband, despite the fact that he was always a mortal being never guaranteed to be mine forever. I anticipated many things, except for the one truth about life: We are only promised today. Yesterday is finished. Tomorrow is uncertain.

I recognized that I wanted to live to the best of my ability. I desired a life filled with hope, joy, and meaning. I’d have to adjust my expectations if I wanted any of that. Completely eliminating expectations was impossible. I’m only human. Furthermore, expectations do serve a purpose. They have aided me in life. They have also caused me pain.

The middle ground, I decided, was to establish “flexible expectations.” I couldn’t rigidly adhere to my thoughts. I aimed to have standards and objectives, but I needed to account for life’s unpredictability.

I had to develop resilience and strategy in dealing with my setbacks. I needed a long-term view and to avoid feeling like specific moments in my life were the ultimate ending. I needed to be less attached to a prescribed way of living.

You discover that in a world full of uncontrollable events, the most potent line of defense within your control is your thought process.

Your attitude.

Your perspective. Is that glass half-full or half-empty? You make the choice.

Your way of thinking is your resilience. Your ability to rise again and brush yourself off. Knowing that life is worth living, not just during joyful moments but also during trials, pain, and heartache, is the reason you endure.

Maybe my expectations never betrayed me after all. Perhaps they were intended to be one of my life’s greatest teachers.

About a year after my husband passed away, I sat down and crafted a list of “good” and “bad” occurrences from the past year. It had flown by so swiftly that I needed to revisit the details. I was prepared for a pity party as I recalled all of the unpleasantness.

The bad: my husband died. Alone.

The good: new friendships, a supportive community that rallied around us in our time of need, trips to Japan, Italy, and Denmark, reconnecting with an old friend after eleven years, being more productive than ever in my writing, my children being happy and well-adjusted, having a solid roof over our heads, loving a job that didn’t feel like work, being healthy, and so much more. I kept thinking of more positives to add to the list.

It was quite revealing. We tend to zero in on the negative. My mind wanted to return to the dark episodes of the past year. Yet, after revisiting the list, it became evident that not every moment of the year was bleak. There were numerous highlights in the most challenging year of my life.

Mooji said, “Feelings are merely visitors. Let them come and go.”

I strive to always keep that in mind.

It’s acceptable to feel awful. You aren’t flawed for feeling that way. You must simply avoid becoming attached to those feelings. There will be days when life feels overwhelmingly tough. You will experience pain, loneliness, and fear that will bring suffering. None of this defines who you are, nor does it indicate what your future will be like. They are simply temporary visitors.

When painful feelings come to me, I acknowledge the hurt. I hunker down. I might clear my agenda. Lower my productivity expectations. Allow myself to rest while I let the thoughts flow by. Then I move on. It’s not that you ever forget the pain, but moving on enables you to compartmentalize it so it doesn’t consume you.

Eighteen months later, I am a different person than I was before my husband passed. It’s not the life I originally wanted, but in many ways, I am now leading a more intentional life with greater choice. There’s a sense of excitement in what I call my “renaissance.” There are no rules. You simply live as authentically as possible, with what you have, trying your best, and that’s all. No secrets.

Everything you need to endure is already within you, and this realization is freeing.

### Coping Strategies for Managing Disappointment When Life Doesn’t Align with Expectations

Disappointment is an unavoidable aspect of life, frequently occurring when our expectations clash with reality. Be it a missed opportunity, a failed relationship, or unfulfilled personal ambitions, learning to cope with disappointment is crucial for emotional well-being. Here are several effective methods to manage disappointment and build resilience.

#### 1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

The initial step in managing disappointment is to recognize and accept your emotions. It’s normal to feel sad, frustrated, or angry when things don’t unfold as you envisioned. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment. Journaling can serve as a useful tool to articulate your thoughts and feelings, bringing clarity and relief.

#### 2. Reframe Your Perspective

Reframing involves altering your viewpoint regarding a situation. Instead of fixating on what went awry, try to uncover any possible lessons or chances for growth. Pose questions to yourself such as, “What can I gain from this experience?” or “How might this open up new avenues?” This change in perspective can help you discover meaning in disappointment.

#### 3. Set Realistic Expectations

Frequently, disappointment arises from unrealistic expectations. Reflect on your goals and dreams, ensuring they are attainable. Establishing SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) goals can enable you to create a more practical blueprint, lessening the likelihood of disappointment.

#### 4. Practice Self-Compassion

Treat yourself kindly during challenging times. Self-compassion is about offering yourself the same kindness and understanding you would extend to a friend. Acknowledge that everyone confronts disappointment and that it doesn’t diminish your value. Engage in positive self-talk and remind yourself of your strengths and achievements.

#### 5. Seek Support

Connecting with others can provide reassurance and perspective during discouraging times. Share your feelings with friends, family, or a therapist who can offer support and affirmation. Sometimes, merely discussing your disappointment can alleviate emotional pressure and help you feel less alone.

#### 6. Focus on What You Can Control

Disappointment often stems from circumstances beyond our control. Instead of fixating on what you cannot change, concentrate on what you can influence. Identify actionable steps you can take to improve your situation or pursue new objectives. This proactive approach can empower you and diminish feelings of helplessness.

#### 7. Engage in Positive Activities

Redirecting your energy towards uplifting activities can help mitigate disappointment. Participate in hobbies, exercise, or volunteer work that brings you joy and satisfaction. These endeavors can act as distractions and foster a sense of achievement, lifting your spirits.

#### 8. Cultivate Gratitude

Practicing gratitude can redirect your attention from what you lack to what you possess. Consider keeping a gratitude journal where you jot down things you appreciate each day. This practice can enhance your overall perspective on life and help you recognize the positive aspects, even amidst disappointment.

#### 9. Allow Time for Healing

Recovering from disappointment requires time. Be patient with yourself as you navigate through your emotions. Understand that it’s normal to experience fluctuations during this process. Give yourself the space to heal and gradually progress at your own pace.

#### 10. Embrace Flexibility

Life is unpredictable, and being adaptable can assist you in dealing with disappointment more effectively. Accept the notion that plans may change, and that being flexible can result in new and unforeseen opportunities. Cultivating a mindset that welcomes change can boost your resilience.

### Conclusion

Disappointment is a common experience, but our responses to it can significantly affect our emotional health. By utilizing these coping strategies, you can handle disappointment with greater ease and emerge stronger. Remember that while life may not always align with your expectations, it can still provide valuable lessons and opportunities for growth.