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“When an elderly individual passes away, a library is set ablaze.” ~African Proverb
Throughout much of my life, I believed that aging signified physical decline—hair becoming gray, memory slipping away, steps growing smaller. However, looking after my ninety-six-year-old mother has shifted that perspective. I now recognize something far deeper and more heart-wrenching: the gradual disappearance of wisdom in a society that values the new, overlooks the old, and rushes too swiftly to notice what it is losing.
We inhabit a world that worships youth and novelty—new technology, emerging trends, fresh ideas. “Old” has turned into a term synonymous with “obsolete.” When wisdom fades from sight, we cease to ask significant questions, and we lose the insights of those who have experienced life in its entirety.
One afternoon, while my mother recounted a tale about her father, I had a realization that unsettled me: if I don’t learn to be entirely present with her now, I will not merely lose her. I will forfeit the opportunity to carry her wisdom into the future—and to understand myself on a deeper level.
The Moment It Dawned On Me
The room was illuminated with the soft, golden light of late afternoon. My mother was opposite me, reminiscing about her early years—ration cards during wartime, the first time she encountered music from a radio.
Then she paused mid-story. The silence lingered. I felt my usual impatience surge—that urge to complete her sentence, to move forward, to return to my obligations.
But this time, I remained.
I lingered through the silence and sensed a shift. The pause wasn’t void—it was brimming with her effort, her dignity, her reaching through time for something significant. If I hurried her, I would obliterate more than just her recollection. I would undermine her right to discover it.
In that instant, I recognized that listening transcends mere kindness. It is an act of preservation—of her narrative, our connection, and my own ability to remain engaged when life becomes challenging.
What I Discovered About Decline
Caring for an elder encompasses more than just ensuring their safety, nourishment, or medication. It involves witnessing as their world narrows.
Witnessing is not a passive endeavor. It requires active engagement—the effort to notice subtle changes in tone, the way their eyes brighten at a song they still recall, the pride they express when recounting a story that no one else remembers.
This experience has taught me that dignity isn’t about remaining strong indefinitely. Dignity is about being recognized and esteemed until the very end. And that is something we can extend to one another—if we are prepared to slow down.
The Price of a Culture That Diverts Its Gaze
Our culture operates at a rapid pace, making it easier to turn away from aging, decline, and mortality. Youth is celebrated. Age is dreaded. “Old” becomes something to conceal, something to remedy, or worse, something to ignore.
Yet whenever we look away—even on an emotional level—we forfeit something invaluable. We lose not only their narratives but also the opportunity to ready ourselves for the same journey.
These moments of care have transformed into some of the most vibrant moments of my existence. They have instilled in me patience, gentleness, and a kind of presence that no app, book, or productivity trick could teach.
And they have reminded me that ultimately, I will be the one searching for words, hoping someone will be patient enough to remain.
A Gentle Approach
We can resist the urge to rush and revive the practice of listening. Try the following:
Pose one question. It can be simple: “What did Sundays look like when you were ten?”
Pause. Allow the silence to work its magic. Let them uncover the memory.
Preserve it. Document or record it—not just for posterity, but for your own heart. Even one saved memory is a part of the library preserved from flames.
Lessons I Carry Forward
My time with my mother has illustrated that love is not measured by grand, dramatic actions but by the willingness to stay—to keep showing up, even during inconvenient times, even when it shatters your heart.
It has shown me that listening is not a passive act. It is an expression of reverence, a way of saying, “You continue to matter. Your voice continues to matter.”
And it has prompted me to resist a culture that views wisdom as expendable. Elders are not hindering us. They are holding the map of our past so we won’t lose our way.
Thus, I choose to remain, to listen, to honor what is fading instead of rushing past it. Because one day, I will be the one pausing mid-statement, seeking a memory—and I will hope that someone stays long enough to allow me to find it.
About Tony Collins
Tony Collins, EdD, MFA, is a writer, documentary filmmaker, and educator whose work delves into presence, creativity, and meaning within everyday life. His essays weave storytelling and introspection in the style of creative nonfiction, drawing from experiences in filmmaking, travel, and caregiving. He is the author of Creative Scholarship: Rethinking Evaluation in Film and New Media Windows to the Sea: Collected Writings. More of his essays and reflections can be found on his Substack at tonycollins.substack.com.
**The Significance of Enhancing Communication with My Aging Mother**
As our parents grow older, the nature of our relationships frequently evolves. One of the most crucial facets of this change is the necessity of enhancing communication with our aging mothers. Effective dialogue can strengthen emotional ties, offer support, and boost overall well-being for both individuals. Here are several reasons why emphasizing communication with an aging mother is vital.
**1. Emotional Bonding**
Enhancing communication nurtures a more robust emotional connection. As mothers age, they may encounter feelings of loneliness or seclusion. Regular, meaningful dialogues can help ease these feelings, enabling them to feel appreciated and understood. Sharing thoughts, experiences, and emotions can fortify the bond and establish a secure environment for both individuals to convey themselves.
**2. Grasping Needs and Concerns**
Aging can introduce various physical and emotional challenges. Open communication allows children to better comprehend their mothers’ needs and concerns. This comprehension is critical for offering suitable support, whether it pertains to healthcare choices, daily living help, or simply being available to listen. By actively participating in discussions, children can recognize shifts in their mother’s health or mood that might necessitate attention.
**3. Preserving Family Heritage and Wisdom**
Mothers frequently possess a wealth of family history and life experiences. Enhancing communication offers an opportunity to document these stories and lessons. Engaging in conversations about the past not only honors their journeys but also safeguards family heritage for future generations. This exchange of knowledge can enrich both the aging mother and her children, fostering a sense of continuity and belonging.
**4. Promoting Mental Well-being**
Effective communication can greatly influence mental health. For aging mothers, expressing feelings and experiences can alleviate anxiety and depression. Regular dialogues can provide emotional support and reassurance, aiding them in navigating the trials of aging. Furthermore, reflecting on positive memories and future aspirations can elevate spirits and encourage a more hopeful outlook on life.
**5. Fostering Independence**
While providing support is crucial, enhancing communication also allows aging mothers to articulate their desire for independence. Open dialogue can help identify areas where they wish to maintain agency and control over their lives. By discussing preferences and boundaries, children can respect their mothers’ wishes while still providing essential assistance, thereby promoting a sense of dignity and self-worth.
**6. Facilitating Decision-Making**
As mothers mature, they may confront significant decisions relating to healthcare, living arrangements, and end-of-life planning. Enhancing communication ensures that these conversations unfold in a respectful and supportive atmosphere. By including aging mothers in decision-making processes, children can empower them to express their preferences and concerns, leading to more favorable outcomes.
**7. Establishing Trust**
Trust is fundamental to any relationship. By prioritizing open and sincere communication, children can nurture and sustain trust with their aging mothers. This trust encourages mothers to share their thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgment, leading to a more transparent and supportive relationship.
**Conclusion**
Enhancing communication with an aging mother is not merely advantageous; it is essential for fostering a healthy and supportive relationship. By nurturing emotional connections, understanding needs, preserving family heritage, promoting mental well-being, fostering independence, facilitating decision-making, and establishing trust, children can significantly enhance the quality of life for their aging mothers. Investing time and effort into meaningful conversations can create a lasting impact, ensuring that both mothers and children navigate the aging journey together with love and understanding.