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“It’s perfectly fine if you can’t recall. Our subconscious is remarkably swift. At times, it knows when to transport us away, as a form of protection.” ~Kathleen Glasgow
A few weeks ago, I found myself shedding tears in the park. It was meant to be just a standard summer afternoon. I was relishing my typical walk with my dog, Boni. The sun was shining brightly, and the tree’s shade offered a very inviting refuge from the scorching heat.
Kids were running about, laughing, and their happiness swept me up. Two small three-year-olds were squealing joyfully, adorned in Hawaiian-style skirts and floral necklaces.
I glanced to my right, and there it was—the ideal birthday scene: a complete setup with tables, a wealth of food and drinks, balloons bobbing in the air, held by invisible strings, adults chatting with each other while more kids played in various areas.
The ambiance was so heartwarming that I instantly felt joy for the birthday girl. Inspired by this sight, a question popped into my mind, “What were my birthday parties like?“
Nothing.
Oh my, I couldn’t recall my childhood birthday parties beyond a specific age, no matter how hard I attempted. It felt like venturing toward a place I was certain existed, only to be stopped by a wall. Where on earth did it disappear? Why can’t I see it? What’s with this wall? In an instant, I started crying. “I don’t remember!” I repeated to myself, filled with sadness and frustration.
Boni began to walk me around as I tried to piece together my memories. “You can do this, Erika, let’s go!” But I simply couldn’t. My last memory of a birthday celebration as a child was before the physical and sexual abuse I endured. What about the parties after that? Blank. Did they happen? I believe they did. Did I enjoy them? I haven’t a clue.
The issue isn’t about the birthday parties themselves; I’m sure some sort of celebration occurred, but the anguish lay in realizing that little Erika was so deeply hurt and traumatized that her mind decided to shut down during such important times.
If you’ve experienced traumatic events, you may be relating to me now and wondering, “I get you, Erika. How do we handle this?” I understand. It’s incredibly painful not to have experienced certain moments, to be unable to recall them, or to miss joining in discussions because your childhood wasn’t “normal” or anything is lost to memory.
But I’m here to offer you encouragement. Even though it’s heartbreaking, you can comfort your heart and seek tranquility. That’s exactly what occurred for me that day when I realized I couldn’t remember my birthday celebrations. I utilized five steps I learned during my healing journey to help process my feelings and return to my center fairly quickly.
You can apply these same steps whenever you feel triggered by a memory (or the absence of one) or if something from your past is truly troubling you.
1. Recognize the pain.
If there’s one lesson I gleaned from my healing journey, it’s that pain deserves to be acknowledged. There’s no purpose in wiping away tears and pretending nothing occurred. I attempted that, and it resulted in years of anxiety and numbness.
Nowadays, I embrace the pain and honor the tears. They signify release, and isn’t that our goal? To release the emotions and pain held within our bodies?
That’s how I began. I recognized my pain. And I understand this may sound peculiar, but I began talking to myself right then and there. I conversed with little Erika: “I understand how you feel. It’s painful, and it’s really tough. You didn’t deserve that. I acknowledge you. Feel what you need to feel. I’m here for you.” And I embraced the tears, the sorrow, and the grief.
Although it felt somewhat strange to engage in this process at the park, I believe that being outdoors helped me navigate my emotions more smoothly. I’m not intending to have another breakdown in the park, but being in nature and in motion indeed assisted me!
2. Comfort and regulate.
My next move was to help myself find balance. After permitting my feelings to rise, I sought to ground myself. We want to express our emotions, but lingering in that place longer than necessary isn’t ideal either.
So, I took deep, slow breaths to ease my tension, gently stroked my arms, lightly rubbed my palms together, and continued walking in silence. The feelings didn’t vanish, but their intensity began to lessen, and the panic subsided.
I can’t recall if I hummed, but it has helped me stabilize my emotions in the past, so I’m including it here in case it serves as an extra tip.
3. Return to the present moment.
After allowing grief to flow and restoring safety to my body, it was time to re-engage with the present moment, because during such experiences, our minds tend to drift into the past, and for that brief minute, we aren’t here anymore. That’s entirely normal, but we must pull ourselves back. And that’s what I did.
Unashamedly, I began speaking to little Erika again: “Girl, we’re having awesome birthday parties now! You’re enveloped in love, and home is a safe space. It’s simply fantastic!“
The trick is to demonstrate to yourself that you are no longer trapped in the past.
My hope is that you find safety in your current circumstances and that your painful past no longer shadows your daily life. If you haven’t reached that point yet, my heart goes out to you, and I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s not uncommon for survivors to encounter situations reminiscent of their past, but after everything you’ve endured, you deserve more. You deserve to reclaim your power. May this be your motivation to seek support and create genuine safety in your life.
You may have felt powerless then, but now you have the power. And that brings us to the next step.
4. Make future plans:
Here’s the thing: in these scenarios, we often dwell on what we didn’t have, what we lost, or what was “taken” from us. But this is you reclaiming your power. Yes, you may not have had it then, but you can grant it to yourself now if you choose to, whether it’s something tangible like a birthday cake or something more emotionally based, like self-affirmation.
Since you possess the power, you determine your path forward. That’s precisely what I did. I reflected on my chat with my inner child and identified my needs—for the moment and for the future.
So contemplate what you need, and commit fully; this isn’t the moment to feel embarrassed or disregard your needs. Want larger birthday celebrations? A livelier social life? More rest? Asking everyone to capture moments at events so you can reminisce?
Sometimes this phase takes a bit of time, so it’s okay to pose the question and allow room for the answers to emerge. Whatever that need may be, you can always fulfill it for yourself now. I understand you might be thinking it, so let me articulate this: it’s never too late to give yourself what you didn’t have back then. You deserve it!
5. Share your experience.
This action is entirely optional, but I discovered from personal experience that it can be highly advantageous for you and your loved ones. In my case, while walking my dog, I eventually needed to return home, where my partner awaited me.
In the past, I tended to stay silent about my experiences and kept everything to myself. I’d think, “I managed it alone, so what’s the point in sharing?“
But here’s the reality (only applicable when discussing healthy, loving, and supportive individuals): when you reveal your experiences, your loved ones will comprehend why you might feel “off.” They may assist you in any required manner; whether it’s by providing space and time, a hug, or a shoulder to cry on.
Or, in my case, a very enthusiastic “Your future birthday celebrations are going to be SPECTACULAR! We’re going to celebrate immensely and forge countless new beautiful memories!“
Your loved ones want to know what’s happening with you and support you in every way they can, so don’t hesitate to reach out.
These were the steps that aided me that day, and genuinely, on any day I felt triggered by past memories, or the lack thereof. My hope is that they assist you as well.
Remember, you are not alone, and from this present moment, anything is feasible. Your past might sometimes come to unsettle you, but you can transform it into a powerful moment of healing and release. Embrace curiosity and show yourself kindness and compassion. You truly deserve it.
Here’s to filling in the gaps with fresh, beautiful, joyful memories!
**Coping Mechanisms for Managing Childhood Memory Loss Due to Trauma**
Childhood trauma can significantly impact an individual’s emotional and mental health, often leading to memory loss or challenges in recalling specific events. This occurrence, sometimes termed dissociative amnesia, may be a protective strategy the mind employs to guard itself against painful memories. For those affected, navigating life with memory gaps can prove challenging. However, numerous coping strategies exist to help individuals manage their experiences and promote healing.
### Comprehending Trauma and Memory Loss
Trauma can arise from various origins, including abuse, neglect, loss, or witnessing violence. The brain may react to overwhelming stress by blocking out memories connected to the traumatic event, resulting in fragmented memories or complete amnesia regarding specific childhood periods. Understanding trauma’s nature and its effect on memory is the preliminary step in addressing these issues.
### Coping Mechanisms
1. **Therapeutic Support**
– **Psychotherapy**: Engaging with a mental health professional, particularly one knowledgeable in trauma-informed care, can provide a secure environment to explore emotions and memories. Methods such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) may be advantageous.
– **Group Therapy**: Connecting with others who have endured similar traumas can create a sense of community and understanding, alleviating feelings of isolation.
2. **Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques**
– Practicing mindfulness can assist individuals in remaining present and minimizing anxiety tied to memory loss. Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can enhance relaxation and self-awareness.
– Grounding exercises, such as concentrating on the five senses, can aid individuals in reconnecting with the present and easing distressing emotions.
3. **Journaling**
– Documenting feelings, thoughts, and experiences can serve as a potent tool for processing trauma. Journaling can assist individuals in expressing emotions and may even trigger memories in a secure and controlled way.
4. **Creative Outlets**
– Participating in creative endeavors such as art, music, or dance can provide an expressive outlet for emotions that may be hard to verbalize. Creative expression can facilitate healing and self-exploration.
5. **Routine Establishment**
– Creating a structured daily routine can offer stability and predictability, potentially alleviating anxiety associated with memory loss. Routines can also promote a sense of normalcy and control.
6. **Cultivating a Support Network**
– Surrounding oneself with supportive friends and family can foster a nurturing environment. Open dialogue about experiences and feelings can strengthen relationships and provide comfort.
7. **Education and Awareness**
– Gaining knowledge about trauma and its impact on memory can empower individuals. Understanding that memory loss often accompanies trauma can normalize the experience and mitigate self-blame.
8. **Self-Compassion**
– Practicing self-compassion entails treating oneself with kindness and understanding, particularly during challenging times. Recognizing that healing is a journey can alleviate pressure and encourage resilience.
9. **Physical Activity**
– Regular exercise has been demonstrated to enhance mental health by diminishing anxiety and depression symptoms. Physical activity can also boost cognitive function and memory.
10. **Consulting Professionals for Memory Concerns**
– If memory loss significantly disrupts daily functioning, seeking counsel from a neuropsychologist or a memory disorders specialist may yield further insights and tailored strategies.
### Conclusion
Coping with childhood memory loss due to trauma is a multifaceted journey that necessitates patience and self-care. By utilizing these strategies, individuals can progress toward healing and reclaiming their narratives. It’s vital to acknowledge that recovery isn’t a straight path, and seeking help is a testament to strength. With appropriate support and coping mechanisms, navigating the complexities of memory loss and fostering a rewarding life is attainable.