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“There are no ‘bad kids’—only angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive children conveying their emotions and needs in the only way they understand. It’s essential that we always keep this in mind.” ~Dr. Jessica Stephens
From the moment they arrive in this world, every child idolizes their parents. They radiate a beautiful, pure, unconditional love. Parents are placed on pedestals. They are the ones with the wisdom about what’s best! They are the adults guiding us through life!
We don’t consider for an instant that they might steer us in the wrong direction.
I, akin to many, cherished both my mom and dad. Their flaws, traumas, or pains were invisible to me. I simply loved them and wanted to be around them. If they raised their voices and claimed I was wrong, I accepted their truth without question.
When I grappled with a lack of self-worth, anxiety, and thoughts of self-harm due to feelings of inadequacy, I placed 100% of the blame on myself. I had unknowingly internalized those instances where their actions made me feel unworthy as my own fault for being ‘bad,’ not considering that they might have been dealing with their own issues.
During my troubles in romantic relationships, always pursuing unavailable partners, I held myself accountable and never for a moment speculated that this pattern was rooted in my connection with my parents. I accepted their assertions in various forms—that I was the issue!
The reason I faced challenges in relationships, I later realized, was that my parents were struggling with their own traumas while parenting me and exhibited emotional immaturity.
Here are five signs indicating you had emotionally immature parents and the potential impacts on you.
1. Their feelings and needs took precedence over yours.
Emotionally immature parents can exhibit extreme self-absorption, engrossed in their own feelings and wanting their child, you, to manage them.
For instance, when my mother was upset, I would console her and provide affection. As I matured, she would express anger if I wasn’t available to comfort her, accusing me of selfishness and claiming she was alone. I believed her.
While I was merely engaging with friends and enjoying childhood, this was unacceptable if it meant I couldn’t cater to her emotional needs. Consequently, I learned that my needs were unsafe to prioritize, as she would withhold love from me, creating a terrifying scenario. My heart would race, and I’d feel overwhelmed by fear.
As an adult, this translated to believing I was responsible for the emotions of others, so if they were angry or upset, I assumed I was to blame. Thus, I would navigate relationships cautiously, fearing I might provoke someone. Because I believed I was to blame for everyone’s sorrow, I attracted more relationships resembling that of my mother, which left me feeling powerless.
2. Sharing your feelings or needs felt unsafe.
When expressing a feeling was met with a negative response from your parent, it ignited panic within you. For instance, discussing your struggles could lead to comments about how their lives were worse, urging you to stop being dramatic.
Expressing a need, like requesting a ride, could provoke an accusation of selfishness—didn’t you understand how hard your parents were working!
So, what occurred? You ceased sharing your feelings and needs, burying them deep inside. (For me, I masked them with ice cream and sugar for solace.) As an adult, you might be so detached from your emotions that you behave as if you possess none.
3. They avoided taking responsibility for their actions.
They would say or do something that genuinely hurt you but never acknowledged it or offered an apology. In fact, they would likely carry on as if nothing happened.
Your relationship with them remained unhealed as a result. You might have attempted to resolve the situation alone, only to find yourself being blamed for something you didn’t do. This entire circumstance could leave you feeling gaslighted, as if you didn’t know what was real or true. You might have even begun to believe it was your fault.
As an adult, you might find this pattern re-emerging in other relationships, feeling helpless to mend or resolve arising issues. This can lead to resentment and remaining in unhappy relationships because you believe there’s no alternative.
4. They lacked the ability to regulate their emotions.
They would go through each day triggered by their emotions without understanding how to regain their equilibrium. They would return home drained from work, but instead of finding a way to unwind, they’d become engrossed in chores and project their frustrations onto others from resentment over fatigue.
They may have also lacked the self-awareness to identify what they were truly feeling. Perhaps they were constantly angry without realizing they were genuinely feeling sad, anxious, or overwhelmed. And because they were oblivious to their feelings, they had no comprehension of what actions they needed to take to improve their emotional state.
5. You were compelled to mature prematurely.
Being a child wasn’t permitted. It was found too stressful for them, so you were encouraged to act like a miniature adult. Maybe even a miniature adult parented them. It also wasn’t safe for you to be a child—being loud or playful could provoke their anger, leading you to remain on high alert. You might have learned to be the steady one because your parents weren’t.
I found myself entangled in their adult arguments as a child, just to maintain peace at home. This is not the role of a child. If you had a similar experience, you might find yourself attracting similarly dysfunctional relationships as an adult.
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If this childhood resonates with you, you are not alone. Many of us share this experience. There exists an inner child within you who missed out on ample love, nurturing, encouragement, and balance, potentially explaining your struggles now as an adult.
Your struggles are not due to inadequacy or because you are to blame for everything. It’s simply that you were raised by emotionally immature parents. Essentially, you were raised by children in adult bodies.
You may still encounter these patterns as an adult with your parents, as they might now be children in even older bodies!
Gaining emotional maturity for yourself to avoid repeating these patterns with your own children is a precious gift to offer them; it also means you can enjoy healthy relationships and find inner peace. Healing and nurturing your inner child means you’ll be equipped to express your emotions and establish boundaries, so others won’t think it’s acceptable to do otherwise to you.
I used to feel powerless when subjected to this treatment, not just by my parents but in other relationships as well. I would strive to be whatever they wanted, yet their responses remained unchanged regardless of my actions. Stepping back from them and focusing on nurturing my inner child, understanding her feelings and needs, and creating space for her transformed my life. I was able to become the parent I had always wished for.
Now, I comprehend that my parents were emotionally immature, as they too were raised by emotionally immature parents. They displayed maturity in finances and jobs, yet with emotions, they were out of their depth due to a lack of guidance in managing them, which they unfortunately never learned.
But we can be the generation that breaks this cycle by embodying the emotionally mature parent we needed. We can set the example of healthy relationship dynamics that we never experienced.
**This article was first published in 2022.
**Five Signs of Growing Up with an Emotionally Immature Parent**
Being raised in a home with emotionally immature parents can profoundly affect a child’s emotional health and development. Parental emotional immaturity can manifest in multiple ways, hindering their capacity to nurture and support their children effectively. Here are five signs that indicate a child may be growing up with an emotionally immature parent.
1. **Unpredictable Emotional Responses**
Emotionally immature parents frequently display unpredictable emotional behavior. They may oscillate from being excessively loving to cold and aloof without any understandable reason. This inconsistency fosters confusion within children, who may find it challenging to navigate their parent’s moods. Consequently, children may develop anxiety and insecurity, feeling compelled to constantly modify their actions to earn approval or love.
2. **Absence of Empathy**
A defining characteristic of emotional immaturity is a diminished ability for empathy. Parents who exhibit emotional immaturity may struggle to comprehend or validate their child’s feelings. They might trivialize their child’s emotions or become defensive when faced with their child’s needs. This lack of empathy can render children feeling isolated and unsupported, complicating their ability to express their own emotions healthily.
3. **Boundary Issues**
Emotionally immature parents often struggle to define and respect boundaries. They may overshare personal challenges with their children or depend on them for emotional backing, reversing the typical parent-child dynamic. This role reversal can burden children, forcing them to shoulder responsibilities that are not suitable for their age, which can stymie their emotional growth.
4. **Conflict Avoidance and Denial of Responsibility**
Parents who display emotional immaturity might evade conflict and accountability, opting to evade difficult situations rather than confront them. They may utilize denial, blame-shifting, or passive-aggressive behavior to negotiate their feelings. This avoidance can instruct children in unhealthy coping mechanisms, which may lead them to repress their feelings or shy away from addressing problems in their own lives.
5. **Incapable of Offering Guidance and Support**
Emotionally immature parents frequently lack the ability to provide suitable guidance and encouragement. They may have difficulty delivering constructive feedback or aiding their children in navigating challenges. Instead of promoting independence and resilience, these parents may inadvertently hinder their child’s development by neglecting to endorse problem-solving abilities or critical thinking. Consequently, children may grow up feeling unequipped to face life’s obstacles.
In conclusion, being raised by an emotionally immature parent can leave enduring impacts on a child’s emotional health and progression. Identifying these signs can assist individuals in comprehending their upbringing and seeking essential support for healing and growth. Addressing the repercussions of emotional immaturity in parenting is vital for cultivating healthier relationships and emotional resilience in future generations.
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