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“Genuine self-love isn’t about transforming into someone superior; it’s about embracing the reality of who you truly are.” ~Yung Pueblo
One morning, I found myself at my kitchen table with my journal opened, a warm cup of green tea beside me, and an assortment of self-help books laid out like an emergency supply kit.
The sunlight streamed across the counter, yet I didn’t pay attention. My gaze flitted between the worn pages of a book titled Becoming Your Best Self and the neatly composed to-do list in my journal.
Meditation.
Gratitude writing.
Affirmations.
Ten thousand steps.
Hydration tracker.
“Inner child work” … still incomplete.
It was only 9:00 a.m., and I had already meditated, journaled, listened to a personal development podcast, and arranged my “healing workout” for later.
By all measures, I was on the right track. But instead of feeling inspired or uplifted, I felt… fatigued. Deeply fatigued.
When Self-Improvement Turns into Self-Criticism
I didn’t realize it then, but I had transformed personal growth into a task I could never escape.
Every podcast felt like a strategy session. Every book was a guide to becoming a better me. Every quiet moment became an opportunity to identify another imperfection to address.
If I missed a day—whether it was journaling, meditation, or a cut short workout—I felt like I had failed. Not in the task itself but failed as a human. I convinced myself this was commitment. That it was healthy to pursue becoming the best version of myself.
But deep down, there was a quieter truth I didn’t acknowledge:
I wasn’t evolving from a place of self-love. I was striving for my own value.
At some point, “self-improvement” shifted from building a life I cherished to fixing a person I didn’t like.
Self-Growth Burnout Is Genuine
We discuss burnout from work, parenting, and caregiving, yet we seldom address self-growth burnout. The type that emerges when you’ve been “working on yourself” for so long that it morphs into another chore.
It’s subtle, but you can sense it.
It’s the heaviness you bring to your meditation, the silent resentment when someone shares a “life-changing” book you must read, the sense that even rest feels like a step back in your healing.
The most frustrating part? It’s couched in such positive terminology that it’s challenging to admit your fatigue.
When you express exhaustion, people recommend you “take a self-care day,” which often becomes yet another task. When you mention feeling stuck, they offer another podcast, another journal prompt, another morning routine to adopt.
It’s draining to realize that even your relaxation is part of a performance appraisal you’re perpetually conducting on yourself.
The Moment I Stepped Off the Hamster Wheel
My breakthrough wasn’t dramatic. No meltdown, no grand realization. Just a Tuesday night in early spring.
I had intended to follow my typical “nighttime routine” … ten minutes of breathwork, ten minutes of journaling, reading a chapter from a personal growth book before sleeping. But that evening, I walked past my desk, picked up a blanket, and went outside instead.
The air was cool, and the sky was streaked with soft pink and gold hues. I sat on the porch steps and simply… observed the changes. No phone. No agenda. No effort to make the moment “productive” by mentally compiling a gratitude list.
For the first time in years, I allowed something to be just what it was.
And in that tranquility, I recognized how much of my life I had missed in the pursuit of becoming “better.” I was so preoccupied with the next version of myself that I overlooked the one living my actual life in this moment.
Why We Keep Fixing What Isn’t Broken
Reflecting back, I understand why I got stuck in that cycle.
We exist in a culture that thrives on our constant self-doubt. There’s always a “next step,” a new scheme, a thirty-day challenge promising to “transform” us.
And there’s nothing inherently wrong with learning, growing, or challenging ourselves. The issue arises when growth stems from the belief that who we are today is insufficient.
When every action is driven by I’m not sufficient yet, we find ourselves in an unending cycle of striving without ever feeling at peace.
How I Started Transitioning from Fixing to Living
It wasn’t an instantaneous transformation. I had to relearn how to engage with personal growth in a way that felt nurturing instead of punitive. Here’s what assisted me:
1. I assessed the weight of my actions.
I began questioning myself: Does this feel supportive, or does it feel pressuring? If it felt burdensome, tiring, or a form of self-criticism, I paused or let it go completely.
2. I allowed resting to be part of the journey.
Not “rest to enhance my productivity later,” but genuine rest—reading a novel simply because I enjoyed it, strolling without tracking steps, watching the clouds without attempting to meditate.
3. I ceased pursuing every “should.”
I released the notion that I had to try every technique, read every book, or follow every guru to heal. I granted myself permission to select what resonated and disregard the rest.
4. I practiced acceptance of “good enough.”
Instead of inquiring, “How can I enhance this?,” I practiced recognizing what was already functioning in my life, even if it wasn’t flawless.
What I Discovered
Healing isn’t a ladder you ascend to reach a perfect view.
It’s more of a rhythm—one that encompasses rest days, tranquil periods, and moments where the only change is your recognition that you’re okay right now.
I learned that occasionally the most transformative action you can take is to pause. Stop chasing, stop fixing, stop critiquing each aspect of yourself as if you’re an endless renovation project.
Because perhaps the real work isn’t transforming yourself into a future you will finally appreciate. Maybe the real work is learning to live fully as the self you already are.
About Cristie Robbins
Cristie Robbins is a published author, speaker, and certified mental wellness coach. Through The Wellness Blueprint, she assists women in reducing stress and reclaiming vitality using a root-cause approach. Her books, including Scars Like Constellations, delve into resilience, healing, and personal growth, and are available on Amazon at her Author Page. Connect at The Wellness Blueprint. You can find her on Facebook here and Instagram here.
**Rethinking Healing: Moving Beyond the Mindset of Self-Fixation**
In modern society, the notion of healing is frequently linked with self-fixation. Many individuals see healing as a personal journey centered on correcting their perceived flaws, traumas, or emotional scars. While this attitude stems from a desire for improvement, it can unintentionally lead to a cycle of self-criticism and solitude. To promote a more comprehensive approach to healing, it’s vital to reconsider this self-fixation and adopt a wider perspective that highlights connection, community, and acceptance.
**Understanding Self-Fixation in Healing**
Self-fixation in healing is characterized by a pronounced focus on one’s own issues, often resulting in feelings of separation. Individuals may become absorbed in their pain, attempting to conquer it through various avenues—therapy, self-help literature, or wellness techniques. While these methods can be advantageous, an excessively self-centered approach may create a barrier to profound healing experiences that incorporate interpersonal relationships and shared understanding.
**The Limitations of a Self-Centered Approach**
A self-focused strategy for healing can lead to several drawbacks:
1. **Isolation**: Concentrating solely on personal healing may alienate individuals from their support networks. This solitude can amplify feelings of loneliness and despair, counteracting the very healing they pursue.
2. **Perfectionism**: The urge to “fix” oneself can breed unrealistic expectations. Individuals might feel pressured to attain a level of perfection, resulting in disappointment and frustration when progress is sluggish or setbacks occur.
3. **Neglect of Community**: Healing is frequently a collective endeavor. By centering the experience around oneself, individuals may overlook the significance of shared experiences and collective healing, which can provide comfort and understanding.
**Embracing a Holistic Approach to Healing**
To move past self-fixation, it’s crucial to embrace a more holistic approach that recognizes the interconnection of individuals within their communities. Here are several strategies to facilitate this transition:
1. **Cultivating Connection**: Engage with others who have similar experiences. Support groups, community workshops, or group therapy can foster a sense of belonging and validation. Sharing narratives and listening to others can cultivate empathy and understanding, creating a supportive atmosphere for healing.
2. **Practicing Compassion**: Shift the focus from self-critique to self-kindness. Acknowledge that healing is a journey, and setbacks are acceptable. Practicing compassion towards oneself can diminish the burden of perfectionism and encourage a more forgiving viewpoint.
3. **Engaging in Service**: Assisting others can serve as a powerful catalyst for healing. Volunteering or engaging in community service can shift attention away from personal struggles and foster a sense of purpose and connection. This participation can also offer new perspectives on one’s own challenges.
4. **Mindfulness and Presence**: Incorporate mindfulness techniques that encourage being present in the current moment. Practices such as meditation, yoga, or nature walks can foster connections with surroundings and diminish the inclination to dwell on personal issues.
5. **Exploring Collective Healing**: Recognize that healing frequently occurs within a broader context. Engage with cultural, spiritual, or community practices that highlight collective well-being. This can involve rituals, ceremonies, or group activities that nurture unity and shared healing experiences.
**Conclusion**
Rethinking healing by moving beyond self-fixation opens the door to a more enriching and fulfilling journey. By embracing connection, compassion, and community, individuals can foster a deeper sense of healing that transcends personal challenges. This shift not only enhances individual well-being but also strengthens community bonds, creating an environment where collective healing can flourish. Healing is not merely a solitary endeavor; it is a shared journey that invites everyone to participate, connect, and grow together.
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